Ask Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 199

2005-12-27T20:38:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

This all begs the question: who's doing the nailing? I don't necessarily want to do it, but it would have been nice to at least be asked.

Blog Jesus answers:

The nailing being done by a super accurate blind Haitian man. The reason he is doing it is classified, but between me and you it's because he knows I have someone set to drown his grandchildren in a mud puddle if he doesn't do the job.

G.D. asks:

on your way out, you chicken-shit, can you leave the keys to the kingdom?

when's the going away party? i'd like to give the midget porn artists some notice.

Blog Jesus answers:

I am actually putting up the kingdom for auction. Highest bidder gets the whole shebang and some broken down meth kids.

No party . . . not because I don't want to be honored, but I plan on being pretty horrible tomorrow and I don't want piss in the punch.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

One post honoring you and all you've done for us (or lack thereof) is forthcoming for next Wednesday... Should I play some sad song in the background?

In Him,

Labbie

ps: Is GD a midget pimp?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually play circus music with the sound of children crying overlapping it.

No she is not a midget pimp. She just has several as sex toys and is willing to rent them out.

Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Since you are leaving us like that other Jesus, does that imply that you will also be returning at some future date like that other Jesus?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. I ain't no bitch. When I die, I stay dead. Giving hope is for pussies.

Killarjoe asks:

BJ,

Tell me why I'm obsessed with sending pictures of my cock to random women from the internet, and why am I such a pathetic loser?

Blog Jesus answers:

You know, I was considering reconsidering my retirement, then someone goes and lets their cock out. Killar just go flash a bunch of school girls and get yourself arrested. You being off the streets will make the world a better place.

Danikabur asks:

Should I interupt my search for JG while I search for you? I think I'm close to reaching her so I'm not sure you want me to stop.

Then again since you are leaving I may have to rethink that shrine idea.

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't stop looking for her. Get her first then come to me. I want to see you two make out.
________________________________________________

Here comes the crown of thorns. Last day tomorrow . . . come heavy or don't come at all.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 198

2005-12-23T11:23:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

HFB asks:

I've lost my copy of How to Influence People and Make Friends, so I've decided that the best thing to do is call everyone I meet a bastard and spit a lot.

So, my question is: what is the major export of Guatemala?

Blog Jesus answers:

The government doesn't want you to know this, but the major export is dog shit. It's in your cereal.

Labbie states:

Blog Geez,

I'm not asking a question, as per your instruction. Sure wish you could give me some good advice for the weekend, though...

Blog Jesus responds:

Here's my advice. Come up with a great post honoring me on Wednesday.

I am taking Monday off. The final two editions of "Ask Blog Jesus" will start on Tuesday.
_____________________________________________________

Right foot nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 197

2005-12-22T15:08:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Left hand nailed twice? At any rate, what you're really telling us is that you're going to start serving time for those pictures you took of a pinguin, a donkey, a midget, and a $10 hooker, and distributed at the local playground?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

The double mention of the left hand nailed is very explainable. Duff writes my closers for me and she has been very distraught over my "retirement." While typing through the tears she forgot she had already typed left hand the day before. In the past I have killed for such mistakes, but not this time. The girl is a hard working in many ways.

Labbie, you know that I would never distribute such pictures. I would keep them all for myself. But since you questioned that I would you may not ask a question tomorrow.

HFB asks:

If I ask another question, bringing the question quota up to two, thus making you actually have to answer the questions, will you smite me? How about if I ask pretty please?

Ok, then, will you smite labbie for kinda sorta stealing my question about how are you typing if both hands are nailed down?

Blog Jesus answers:

The quota thing was to get rid of Kris. It was successful . . . no smiting for you.

He's been smited for other reasons so you lose again.

Old Roses asks:

"It looks like next Wednesday". Really? What does next Wednesday look like?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's fucked. The skies will be yellow and dolphins will be fucking kittens.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I'll miss you and all, but you have to know that I will be glad to be rid of any and all cock in the mayo jar references, right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just for that all the remaining "Heightened Thoughts" posts will include that very reference.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Why do the good ones always leave us? I don't mean you, I mean Bill Bixby. Why did Bixby have to die?

Blog Jesus answers:

Anyone that directed an episode of "Blossom" is not a good man.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What about your right hand?

Blog Jesus answers:

The most interesting thing about this is that you people know you have a finite number of questions you can ask and yet many of you only referenced this subject. This means you all suck.

Danikabur asks:

Oh man it may take awhile to find you. Hmmm. Can my midget guide help me? Does he know where you are? Hopefully I don't get distracted along the way.....

Blog Jesus answers:

Not only can you use a midget guide, but I am lending you "The Cat From Outer Space" which talks and is very smart. He will make sure you don't get distracted . . . . meaning he'll be clawing cock so that you avoid it.

_________________________________________

Left foot nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 196

2005-12-21T15:46:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

See. Look at all the questions now. And the day before there were but two. Like I said: whore.

Everyone lines up for the new whore, but nobody's laughing when we've all got a screaming case of gonorrhea.

I guess there should be a question in here somewhere... OK, how can you have a long slow decline (as you have) if you never peaked in the first place?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have never conformed to the norms of society, i.e. the successful must fall from the top then rebuild themselves and cruch everyone in their path. I like living on the fringe eating pancake batter for dinner and recommending that women not shave their legs.

Kenna asks:

This is because of the hostile takeover at blogshares, isn't it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope, it has more to do with the Easter Bunny molesting me as a kid.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I know who my father is, thank you very much. But on to a meaningful question: One for the money, or two for the show?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No you don't.

Always go for the show - the girls really like those donkeys no matter how much they scream and cry.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Romper Room, eh? I'm more than down. So you're going on hiatus? Is that very christ-like of you?

You shall be missd!

Blog Jesus answers:

Of course it is not Christ-like. If I was Christ-like I would dispensing advice that actually helped people.

Grouch Grouch asks:

Ok, so we can't ask you questions and we can't ask Satan.

Should we start calling a 900 psychic? My favorite one is in Jail. Do you think she can call me collect?

Blog Jesus aswers:

I suggest just asking random people on the street. If you the proper knife you can get all the answers you want.

G.D. asks:

when is this blog closing down.

i'd like to have enough time to prepare my insults.

Blog Jesus answers:

It looks like next Wednesday. I eagerly awaiting your scathing comments.

HFB asks:

Bastard whore.

Do people with Tourette's Syndrome get into Heaven?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but God doesn't cure them. Those fuckers just keep twitching and cussing because it amuses the shit out of God.

Danikabur asks:

Will I finally get to have what I always wanted before you go? (By that I mean have you)

P.S thank you for the many cocks headed my way. I'm sure I'll be appreciating them for a long time to come. :D

Blog Jesus answers:

Look under your pillow and you'll find a ticket to Indy. Now I am not going to tell you how to find my once you get here . . . that's part of the journey.
_________________________________________

Left hand nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 195

2005-12-20T15:47:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

The perfect showman, Blog Jesus. Leave 'em wanting more. My question is, do you think they'll want more?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hell no. They'll just move on to the next retard with a good gimmick and I will be forgotten like . . . what the fuck is that guy's name.

HFB asks:

Why do you have to be such a bastard? Didn't I give you a sandwich? What, that wasn't enough for you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Abusive parents and a wandering eye.

Yes you did, but I wanted the bread toasted.

Cecil B. asks:

Where are you goin?

Blog Jesus answers:

Absolutely nowhere . . . unless the money is right.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Will there be a second coming? And who will I turn to to make fun of me?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

I've pretty much blown my load so I think a second coming is doubtful.

Try and find your father.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Does my love of being tied up and dominated really affect my place in heaven? Afterall, I am jewish and figure I'm pretty much fucked out of heaven to begin with...right?

PS: Excited about your birthday bash in 4 days?!

Blog Jesus answers:

There's a special place in heaven for your sort. It's called my romper room.

Not really. All I get is praise and no gifts. It fucking sucks.

Jeremiah states:

Don't forget to go out with a final shot at black folks. Gotta love you for those.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's statements like this one that prevents them from allowing us to own them anymore.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Whore.

Sorry, that's supposed to be a question.

So: Whore?

Also: why are you such a quitter?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nah, I just ate dinner.

It is not so much that I have quit as it is that I have grown tired of you and would like to get back to skinning kittens.

Jeremiah asks:

Oh, sorry...question format. Imagine my embarrassment...well, I came here so right there I couldn't avoid embarrassment. Anyway..

Aren't you just a darling, dear Jezzus, for all those amazingly funny shots at black folks?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would call myself a scare white folk firmly entrenched in a very white state in the Union rather than darling and dear.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

Did Labbie just ask if you are going to have a second orgasm?

Blog Jesus answers:

As if he was asking anything else.

Old Roses asks:

Does this mean that Duff is going to be unemployed? Sorry, Duff. Bummer. Especially to get dumped, I mean fired, during the holidays.

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Duff is still an employee of Heightened Jesus, Inc. There is still chaos to be spread, just not in this format. Plus, you just can't put that kind of ass out on the street.

Danikabur asks:

I will be so lost when you leave! What will I do?

Blog Jesus answers:

I got so many large cocked individuals heading your way that the void will be filled and then some.

Lori asks:

So exactly what did that mean in my Christmas card...I got the other day??

Have a great day!!!

Blog Jesus answers:

It was jizz and it means don't accept cards from the homeless.

____________________________________________

Left hand nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 194

2005-12-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

Before answering any questions, it's announcement time. Blog Jesus will be leaving the Earthly coil after my 200 day of answering questions. I feel that if your world isn't right after 200 days of my shoveling this shit then you're doomed. I invite everyone to scoop up as much advice as you can over the next seven installments. And now on to the regular opening:

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

Is it just my imagination or does making fun of Labbie raise my worth in your ministry?

Blog Jesus answers:

That Johnny Cash photo is what raises your worth. Everyone makes fun of Labbie and if I were to reward people for doing that then it would get as bad as the Special Olympics.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Washington beat Dallas, Indianapolis went down to San Diego... Is this the end times?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No just a bad day to be a professional gambler.

________________________________________________

Consider the right hand nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 193

2005-12-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

That's right, I skipped out on you all yesterday. Actually I didn't skip out on "you all" because there was only one question. No offense to my wonderful reader, R.U. Serious, but I just didn't feel like wasting my time on one question. So new rule, if there is only one question on a particular day, then I am taking that day off. Screw the regular opening, lets get this shit started.

The Wonderful R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

I keep reading these posts from Labbie indicating he believes he may be having sex.

What drugs is he on and where can I get some?

Blog Jesus answers:

I understand that he licks the anal cavity of kittens before logging in and asking a question.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

What kind of proof must I provide to show that, indeed, I HAVE been "laying down pipe"?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Blue prints of the home you're building along with a slide show of the construction should suffice.

Oldroses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I assume the answer to labbie's question is to provide photographic proof. Will you be sharing the pictures with us?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if quality construction is exhibited.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've got a question for you. Will the Indianapolis Colts go undefeated during the regular season? If so, will they win the Super Bowl or will they choke earlier?

Blog Jesus answers:

They will not go undefeated by choice, but they will win the Super Bowl and the ejaculation content of Indiana will rise tenfold.

MrGumby2u asks:

BeJeZus,

Just what does it take to choke a colt? And is that allowed?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just a firm, black hand. This isn't slavery times, of course a man can drink a Colt 45.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is choking a colt like spanking a monkey?

Blog Jesus answers:

For those blessed with small hands, yes.

______________________________________________

Like you deserve a witty comment.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 192

2005-12-14T20:42:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Threecharlie asks:

Jesus-

What's the deal with the locals here in Naples, Italy? Are there any cool people here or are they all a bunch of crooks?

Thanks.

-Charlie

Blog Jesus answers:

I hate to tell you this Charlie but every resident of Naples except you have become hooked on heroin. That makes them cool and you a completely dork. Start shooting up or get left behind.

Anonymous City Girl asks:

If you're Jesus, why do you live in Indiana?

Blog Jesus answers:

Oh newbies, so retarded. The Blog Jesus is nothing like that panty sniffer reefer addict regular Jesus. I live in Indiana because I am too lazy to move somewhere that would allow my career to take off.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Where do I sign up to defend your ass in the war against Christmas?

Blog Jesus answers:

Kid, you're not a newbie but you may be equally retarded. Everyone knows that Arbor Day is Blog Jesus' day. Sign up to protect me in the war on that.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I'm the secret santa of this one really cute girl at work. Should I get her more than she asked for? Further, will I get any action out of the deal?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

You'll only fuck it all up if you go off the list. Just get her what she wants then avoid her . . . . she'll appreciate that a whole fucking lot.

______________________________________________

Once the live stage is dead, you have to burn the body in order to bury it . . . for the sake of drama.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 191

2005-12-13T20:29:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff asks:

dear boss~

is it bad that i haven't started xmas shopping yet? i mean, i haven't bought a damned thing.

oh, and my cards? they'll be late again this year, too.....

Blog Jesus answers:

It is bad that you're going Christmas shopping to begin with. All you're doing is making corporate fat cats richer and thus making them less likely to listen to me.

Snappedphoenix asks:

My Lord,

Is it okay to go out with someone if you know they are more into you, then you are into them? I mean, one person always like one better than the other, right?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is all right as long as you're able to manipulate sex out of the deal. If not, you're wasting your time.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I'm pretending to pretend? Niiice. At any rate, I heard that masturbating will make you blind... What's the scientific explanation for that phenomenom?

In him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Olden folk used to do it wrong and took shots in the eye. There were never any clean towels around and that shit go infected - hence the blindness.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Chargers-Colts this weekend. The Colts are 13-0, but the way I see it, that's a soft 13-0. Sure, the Chargers have 5 more losses, but they have much better helmet logos. I say Chargers 45, Colts 0. Should we make some kind of bet?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sure. If the Chargers win by that margin I will refrain from gunning down retards for a week. If they do not you have to kill two of your kids.

MrGumby2u asks:

BeJeeZus,

Can you let us know who is going to win the war on Christmas? I don't want to waste my time and money shopping for presents if things are looking bad for the Christmas Mercantilists.

Blog Jesus answers:

In a shocking turn, polar bears will win the war and we'll be too busy fearing being eaten to care about Christmas.

_____________________________________________

Okay, so the live stage may actually still be breathing, but kick it a few times and all will be well.

As always, I lo

And Now Your Answers - Day 190

2005-12-12T20:26:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff asks:

dear boss~

what do you want for christmas? keep in mind that i'm trying for the prestigious "employee of the year" award.

oh, and my budget is 50 cents.

Blog Jesus answers:

I know a homeless bloke who will cut off one of his toes for two shiny quarters. Nothing says Merry X-mas like severed homeless toes.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Whew! What a weekend! I hooked up with the ex, and, let me tell you, it was like a bad acid flashback... Only this one involved cake. At any rate, will we get back together and live happily ever after?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No, she's trying to sex your stink off of her as I write.

Danikabur asks:

I still didn't find the midget but there is a trail of Jack Daniels to my shoe closet. It doesn't go anywhere from the closet though. Any other ideas?

Blog Jesus answers:

Go to the nearest African American run S & M store.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is Labbie pretending he's getting laid again?

Blog Jesus answers:

He is actually pretending that he's pretending to get laid again. So very sad.

______________________________________

The live stage is a dead end.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 189

2005-12-09T21:20:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Stacy asks:

Dear Big Man Upstairs,

How come you didn't dump enough snow on my city for my place of employment to make it a paid snow day? I prayed nicely.

In your name,

~Stacy

Blog Jesus answers:

People that get all snow ansy are pussies. I will never allow another snow day for workers again . . . not after the Enron snowball fight incident.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is there any website that specializes in pictures of AWD vehicles crashed in the snow? Looking at them would really make me happy.

Blog Jesus answers:

Try www.AWDvehicleskilledmydaughter.com

Danikabur asks:

I told the midget guide to send the code!

Where did he run off to anyway?

Blog Jesus answers:

Check your liquor cabinet and if he's not there, look into all your shoes.

Housekeeper asks:

Do you think a gift certificate for a Brazilian wax is an appropriate Christmas gift for a man?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if he is performing it on a fair skinned Korean woman.

_________________________________________

Eh.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 188

2005-12-08T20:34:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur asks:

Me leave the flock??? How could you think that?

I had to go into hiding since Jennifer Garner figured out I was trying to kidnap her for you. I'll get back on that as soon as the security lets me near her again.

Blog Jesus answers:

You forgot to send me the code alerting me that your cover had been blown. I would have called in an extraction team you could've spent the last several weeks on your back being serviced. Remember protocol.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I want to apply for a job as an Air Marshall. Do you think I have the right stuff?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Well an Air Marshall is just a retarded guy that wants to be a pilot. An air marshal is a badass who guns down crazies on planes. You do have the right stuff to be an Air Marshall

___________________________________________

Check out the hook while my deejay revolves it.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 187

2005-12-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Snappedphoenix asks:

My Lord,

My Manager at work is a complete bitch and making work hell on earth. What should I do? Can you do something?

Blog Jesus answers:

Here's what you need to do. Get some hot coffee and throw it in her face. I will ensure that your feet move fleetly when you scidaddle.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

What nickname does our president have for condi when they are being intimate?

Blog Jesus answers:

Slonge Jones.

Danikabur asks:

Dearest BJ

Have you missed me? I've missed you.

When are those firemen getting to me? It has been a while... they must be ready by now!

Blog Jesus answers:

I called them off because I thought you left the flock. Keep asking questions for awhile and the firefighters will be exploring you for hotness.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I heard a Jewish scientist from MIT on the radio today, he was saying that there is evidence of God everywhere. Is there eveidence of you somewhere?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

The third toilet on the third floor of my place of business.

_____________________________________________

Oh my God, he just dropped an awesome bomb.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 186

2005-12-06T20:51:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I bought one of my hot coworkers (not as hot as Duff, though) a vibrating massager for Christmas and she completely took it the wrong way... Would it be unethical of me to take it back to the store without disinfecting it first?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No. It would be unsanitary and could potentially spread disease, which makes the idea of disinfecting it a lousy one.

_________________________________________

Suck.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 185

2005-12-05T20:36:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R.U. Serious asks:

Blogg Doggy J

Does Labbie understand that that "girl" is a mannequin, and those “melons” are fiberglass?

Blog Jesus answers:

But they talk to him in his mind and that makes them real and that makes their love okay.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

i bought some new lingerie while in kansas city last week, but now i seem to be missing the black bra and matching thongs. you wouldn't happen to know what happened to them by any chance, would you?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have them stowed away for Wednesday's staff meeting. Come prepared to just be wearing those.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Would you mind telling Labbie that I'm a girl?

Blog Jesus answers:

And ruin his thoughts that he will some day meet you and have man love? Never.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Which departmental store would Jesus do his christmas shopping at and why?

Blog Jesus answers:

He would just hang out by the doors leading into Sears and steal shit. He's a cheap bastard.

J.U. asks:

Will Notre Dame and Touchdown Jesus say a Hail Mary and win the Fiesta Bowl against Ohio State? Do you think you could help with their noble cause?

The word verification thing is getting creepy.

Blog Jesus answers:

I have already placed a large bet in the Golden Domers favor which will inevitably put the fix into the game.

Professor Leotus and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks asks:

My Dearest Web Log Christ,

Will I get what I requested on my wish list for this Christmas?Or will I just have to settle for yet another Eve warming over a synthetic polar bear skin rug in front of a fake crackling fire with stale cookies and warm Jäger in the belly, and a hand me down realdoll caressing my oh so sensitive shoulders?

Blog Jesus answers:

Expect the latter, but with out the real doll. It will get burned in the fire before then.

_____________________________________________

If you have not stomped on a kitten lately get off your ass.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 184

2005-12-02T21:03:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If I call "Da Buttah" 'Da Burrah' would that make me Chinese or Laotian?

Blog Jesus answers:

It will make you a southern dame who drinks polluted water.

R.U. Serious asks:

Have you ever considered creating your own 10 Commandments?

Blog Jesus answers:

That takes too much effort. My only commandments are "obey me" and "feed me." Fuck who you want and kill who you want.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Tell SJ it would make him a Texan with an ADD problem so much so that he just types away without proofreading... You know? Like me.Question: I grabbed her delicious melons, and she didn't go for it. What should be my next move?

Blog Jesus answers:

A good knock to the jaw will wise her up.

____________________________________

Saturday is alright for eating bread with pickles.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 183

2005-12-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R.U. Serious asks:

How effective is it when Labbie screams "Give da Buttah an A" to her profs?

Blog Jesus answers:

All it causes indigestion and a slight case of the squirts. That is the equivelant of a "C"

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Let's recap, shall we? You've called me gay, serial killer, serial rapist, drug addict, illegal immigrant, Barbara Streissand, Bob Seger, and Sonny and Cher... Now, whore. WTF? I am probably the one of your followers that has stuck around the longest, despite the spite... But enough complaining.

How effective IS me screaming "Give Da Burrah an A" as I service her professors?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

In this realm, all of the above are terms of endearment. You'd hate it if I stopped bringing you down.

It all depends on her profs fondness of genital warts.

Serra asks:

Dear Blog Jeebus,

Will You, in Your infinite Mightiness, please smite those jerkoff asshats who list a shirt as white and available in all sizes in an ad, only for me to find that the only ones left are sage stinkin' green and only available in UberSmall?

Praise You and all that,

Serra

Blog Jesus answers:

Their balls have been replaced by grenades with the pins already out.

Sideshow Bob asks:

How is Your name does a fish get in a tree?

And do You send messages through the word verification thing? Mine said "poomelt"...what?

Blog Jesus answers:

The first question is easy . . . the fish had wings that were burnt off by the sun. This caused the fish to fall to the ground where it was picked up by birds that did not want to see the fish killed. The birds took the fish to a cave where it was then kidnapped and held for ransom. The drop point was a tree. See easy.

The word verification thing is tired. I do have an in and she causes me much delight by fucking with you dumbasses.

Labbie states:

I meant to write da Buttah, with two T's.

Blog Jesus responds:

Way to fix the fuck up. Too bad you disrupted my flow in doing so.

____________________________________________

Dream weavers only help you get crabs at night.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 182

2005-11-30T20:54:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I got some cake tonight, and I'm feeling good. Should I call her tomorrow, or let her sweat it out a bit then call her on the weekend for more?

In Him,

Labbie

ps: Skull-fucking is overrated.

Blog Jesus answers:

Why are you even calling her at all? You have her locked in your closet. Just open the door and ask her if she wants some dinner on Friday. Whatever her answer then just piss on her like normal and go about your day.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Tell Labbie to call her. Oh, and I do not have the bird flu, I have an allergic reaction to the flu shot I got before thanksgiving. Smite them for me Haschem. SMITE THEM!

Anyway, anyway you can help me do better on finals? Any advice? Maybe brain wash my profs into giving me the "A" i so desperately deserve?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have sent each of your professors a whore that will only scream "Give an A to Da Buttah" while servicing them. Your good grades are ensured.

________________________________________

The Veggie Tales support man love.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 181

2005-11-29T19:46:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

BJ:

Which do you prefer: a silent, unnoticed arrival or an alcohol-fuled grand entrance filled with fire and brimstone and pain?

I'd like to know what I'm up against.

Blog Jesus answers:

I like a silent alcohol influenced arrival that leads to fire and brimstone. Go out with a bang, not in with one.

R.U. Serious asks:

Do you think that the Ask a Pothead vs. Yet Another Fucking Mommy Blog, or whatever it's called, is rigged against Chronic?

Blog Jesus answers:

The whole world is rigged against lovers of the pot. It's a global conspiracy lead by the Illuminati and the creator of Care Bears.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

What the fuck yo? Why am I a phlegm bucket, but not sick?!! HELP!!

Blog Jesus answers:

All I will say is that is not Gatorade that you have been drinking.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Does Da Buttah have Bird Flu or what?

Blog Jesus answers:

That is something between her and her pickle jar.

___________________________________________

Hairy goats get more love than you think.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 180

2005-11-28T14:37:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've already had the dream of KISS taking over the world, thank you very much. It wasn't such a bad dream, but everyone dressed up like Raiders fans. Weird.

Does God favor the team with the best coach or does he really work miracles, as evidenced by the Hail Mary pass?

Blog Jesus answers:

God favors the teams that pay him more in bribe money. He's a greedy whore.

Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I went to a friend's house for Thanksgiving. She promised to give me leftovers to take home. Instead, she gave me a gigantic flower pot. Is she trying to tell me something?

Blog Jesus answers:

She wants you to eat hardened clay and die. Burn her house down in response.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Why does my head hurt after a night out in town?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

You're a sucker for the old "let the homeless skull fuck you" on a dare trick.

Jess asks:

BJ:

When will I lose the will to work?

Blog Jesus answers:

You already have, you're just too lazy to notice it.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Is my dream of fronting a re-formed Wreckx-N-Effect completely impossible or is it just a stupid dream to have?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is an incredibly stupid dream to have, but it is not impossible. If you walk about town when Labbie is out you're likely to catch Effect doing some skull fucking.

____________________________________________

Dung warriors are well liked but lonely souls.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 179

2005-11-23T17:37:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Housekeeper asks:

Dear BJ-

My almost crazy sister is coming to my house for Thanksgiving, is there anything I can do to push her over the edge? I looking for a good holiday story?

Blog Jesus answers:

Feed her a lot of butter then whack her over the head with a whiffle ball bat. That'll get your story.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

What are you thankful for? Besides alcohol, strippers, prostitutes, killing babies, nakes secretaries, sex, guns, rock and roll, Barbara Streisand, and Dick Cheney, of course...

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Deviant interpretations of the Disney classic "Dumbo"

Jess asks:

Does my thirty-minute, over the phone review and critique of the newest Harry Potter movie make me a total loser or a partial loser?

Blog Jesus answers:

It makes you a total lose with a hint of pedophile freakishness.

HFB asks:

I love duck. Or is it soup? Which one do you shoot?

Blog Jesus answers:

You shoot soup and beat duck with a 9 iron.

____________________________________________

I'm off the for the long holiday weekend, but I will return on Monday. Don't be thankful for that, I'll have nothing but bile to spit by that point.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 178

2005-11-22T15:48:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Why does it hurt when I do this? *wince* Yeah, right there... Ow!

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Because you have the pain threshold of a little baby girl that's a real pussy.

Brent asks:

Dear Blog-Jesus,

Why is it whenever I go hang out with my female friends I get caught up in all their drama. Is there a way to do so drama-free?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yeah - roofies.

Jess asks:

BJ:

Pumpkin soup or pumpkin pie?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pumpkin shoes

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

What do ungrateful people do for thanksgiving?

Blog Jesus answers:

Get drunk in their casinos on the reservation.

The Jobey asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I bailed on my friends to hit a toga party. They'll get over it, right?

Jobes

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, they found they had a better time without you around.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I had this weird dream were everyone was a pirate. Could this be a sign or vision from the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Have I been touched by his noodly appendage?

Blog Jesus answers:

You haven't been touched until you dream of KISS as robots taking over the Earth

____________________________________________

Drunk turkeys eat other turkeys and like it.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 177

2005-11-21T17:15:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Your last communication instructed us to kill something because it is the weekend. Does killing my own brain cells with alcohol count?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but if you give a baby some alcohol and kill some it's brain cells then you're golden.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

i'm getting kind of hungry. got anything around here that i can nibble on?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have a razor and three condoms in my desk drawer and that's about it.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

She really did mean for me to bite her, literally. Who would have known? At any rate. The question after the weekend is: Dark Meat or White?

In Him,

Labbie

ps: Duff can have some of my cake, if she's really that hungry.

Blog Jesus answers:

Green meat is the fucking way to go.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I had a really weird dream involving me losing the ability to speak English and I only spoke fluent Spanish. Then I woke up speaking Spanish. Is this like normal or something?

Now the Word Verification feature is going to African place names.

Blog Jesus answers:

It is perfectly normal. You'll be pulling jalepenos out of your ass my midweek.

Kay Richardson asks:

Hello Jesus, you're great etc etc. Could you help with a problem? If I were to go back in time and kissed my past self, would I then be gay? I need to know.

Kay.

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes you would be gay and you will also be extremely icky.

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Since your birthday is coming up next month, does that entitle you to any fringe benefits like free lapdances and 2 for 1 pitchers?

Blog Jesus answers:

I already get both of those things. For my birthday all hookers are for a penny a piece.

Jess asks:

BJ:

If a turkey kills the hunter trying to kill it for Thanksgiving dinner, is it homocide or self-defense?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually the government will just call it avian flu and scare the shit out of everyone.

__________________________________________

Soup.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 176

2005-11-18T14:21:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

What does it mean when a girl tell me to bite her?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

She is telling you to fuck off like everyone else. I really wish I could mail you a clue.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

Is it just me or are the jokes about word verification getting lamer? Is that even possible?

Blog Jesus asks:

They are so fucking lame that I cut myself every time it is brought up. If it gets worse I will cut a nearby kid.

TLH asks:

Big J:

Can you remind me again which seven sins are the deadly ones?

P.S. Thanks for the weather. It worked.

P.P.S. My word verification joke: This gig peanut butter + jelly hellO!

Blog Jesus answers:

None of them are deadly. They should be shrunk and passed out as party favors.

Housekeeper asks:

Dear BJ,

I was watching “The View” today, an offense I should get a smiting for, when they mentioned that Heidi Fleiss is opening a brothel that staffs male hookers…TOTALLY MY IDEA!!! Is there anyway for me to still get in on the male whore industry?

Blog Jesus answers:

I thought you were already immersed in the industry with your short skirts and leather fetish.

Jess asks:

BJ:

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Blog Jesus answers:

Shaving the heads of older women.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is it to Labbie's benefit that he is such a failure at interpreting feminine signals cause that way he doesnt feel bad when he gets put down by women?

Blog Jesus answers:

His social retardness keeps him alive.

Danikabur asks:

Damn! I am all out of books to read. Do you have any erotic books that I can borrow... you know so I'm ready for my firemen?Also what the hell is up with this wind?

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't have any erotic books left in the library. I do have some Dog's Life magazines that will probably work.

I caused an orphanage to collapse and it was that whole butterfly effect thing.

New York Moments asks:

Blog Jesus,

Why do men love to jerk off for women on webcams? And why is it that they don't realize that we just laugh at them instead of getting horny?

Blog Jesus answers:

They were born in Labbie's gene pool.

MrGumby2u asks:

Bejesus;

I just emerged from my coma and find this wacky-ass "word verification" (yeah, right; "ucjddmdy" is a word) thingamajig standing between me and my savior. WTF, mate?

Blog Jesus answers:

I had too many people leaving for cock enlargements due to those damn spammers.
______________________________________

It's the weekend - kill something.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 175

2005-11-17T16:31:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Old Roses asks:

Why don't you do something about the crazy weather?

And is kzqvcbv actually a word? Did you run out of w's?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have done something about the weather. I have made it colder so that people can feel more alone and very bitter.

No it is not an actual word and I did not run out of w's. There's a new bitch doing the word verifying today and she thinks her shit smells sweet enough to ignore me. She'll get what she deserves.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Everyone I knows says that I take obsessive-compulsive behavior to unhealthy extremes. Just because I have to have towels folded in a certain way or I refold them in the way I like them to be folded doesn't mean I have OCD.

So, is that really Obsessive Compulsive behavior or are they just crazy?

Now the word verification thingy is giving me Slavic-sounding place names without vowels. Thanks. I feel much better.

Blog Jesus answers:

They're crazy you go on and continue to perfectly straigtened the bangs on your Barbies.

Danikabur asks:

Oh thank goodness! I was really starting to worry. So what should I do while I wait for them to be ready?

Blog Jesus answers:

Besides lube shopping . . . . read a book.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Why are the powers that be so cloyingly.......cloy?!

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't know, why are the powers that be so cloyingly cloy?

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Instead of the wafer and the wine can I feed on the flesh and blood of the real you?

I'm not a cannibal by the way....Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Blog Jesus answers:

No . . . only office staff of the vaginal persuasion gets to "eat me" and not in the way you describe.

___________________________________

Blossom should be brought back to life so that I can kill her again.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 174

2005-11-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I told my boss the place was circling the drain, and he told me to "get over it". How do I get over it?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

I rub a rabbit on my balls. Try that.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I got another obscene sounding word verification word. Make it stop.

How do you do that?

Blog Jesus answers:

I can only stop obscenity if I see it and since I think nothing is obscene I never see it.

I am the word verification guy's main suppiler of the letter "w"

Danikabur asks:

When will my sex life get back on track?

Blog Jesus answers:

As soon as the new set of well hung firefighters come in from Nigeria.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

How can I cure my addiction to sniffing dry erase board marker ink?

Blog Jesus answers:

Drink some toilet bowel cleaner.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem,

Miss me?! :)

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes and my blue balls have missed you as well.

______________________________________

Tornadoes yesterday, snow today - God bless Indiana

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 173

2005-11-15T14:54:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Will people from other countries, like Texas, ever learn to speak English? I swear... If I get one more phone call to go translate for them at the hospital...

In Him,

Labbi

Blog Jesus answers:

I have legislation in place that will force foreigners to speak Ebonics. Though Texans will be taught queer.

Cecil B. asks:

Hey-zeus,

Where can I find some herbs? This country is drier than nintey year old vag.

Blog Jesus answers:

I have a two neighbors named Herb that shower together for like an hour today. They also like guests - feel free to stop by.

Josh asks:

Dear BJ,

I've always wondered...

Why didn't Noah squash the two mosquitoes?

Blog Jesus answers:

He liked being sucked on by all the animals.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I am kind of suspicious about Mongolia. Its never in the news and it is pals with Dubya. Is there anything fishy going on over there that we should know about?

And today's word verification is uxpzzrzp .. Whats with that oh Lord?

Blog Jesus answers:

They have opened up a series of Barbeque joints and are making us mad with Mongolian meat fever.

The word verifier had a seizure.

New York Moments asks:

Blog Jeezuz,

If Steven Tyler is so ugly, then why does my pussy get so WET when I see him on TV?

Blog Jesus answers:

You like his fancy dresses.

Jess asks:

BJ:

Is Campbells really Mmm-mmm good?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but it makes me laugh when it burns the mouths of children.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What are the possibilities of Campbell's tomato soup? Are they that infinite as the ditty implies or more limited?

Yeah, and I think the word verification word I got sounds obscene for some reason...

Blog Jesus answers:

All that it is good for is eating and fucking.

Then they are listening to my suggestions.

___________________________________

Killer storms are heading my way . . . see you tomorrow.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 172

2005-11-14T18:30:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Marriedman Yang asks:

oh shepard,

are you racist?

oh, and once I had a third nipple, and labbie went nuts. Does this mean he wants me, or does it just mean that he lactates over nipples?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nigga please!

It means that you have an unhealthy obsession with this kid and you really need to devote your life to stalking someone famous so that you can be locked away and people will feel safe again.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

how on earth can grown men driving in circles- in trucks- pass for entertainment?

i mean, grown women dancing in circles, preferably around a pole, is one thing, but......

Blog Jesus answers:

Alcohol and inbreeding make a man enjoy weird things.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Thank you for answering my questions about acceptable places to have sex. Your answers were wise and informative.

What is your opinion on the Touchdown Jesus mural at Notre Dame? Would that be sacrilege?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am cool with it so long as the Golden Domers keep winning and making my bets worthwhile.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I have been thinking of someone's boobs all the time, and I feel unclean. How can I get her delicious works of art out of my head?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Stick a pencil up your nose and then get a hammer out and pound up into your brain. I call it "Tits Be Gone."

Duff asks again:

dear boss~

labbie's talking about my breasts, isn't he?

why am i not bothered by being salivated over like a piece of meat?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, he's the guy that leaves ball smudges on all the office windows.

Because you don't even like wearing pants or underwear to work.

Cecil B. asks:

Hey-Zeus,

Is there a way to off my roommate with out getting put in jail? Seriously. This bitch has to go. And fuck you for making me live with her.

And why does it take me about ten times to get this damn word verification thing to work?

Blog Jesus answers:

Provide her a trip to Tawain and then arrange to have her kidnapped and turned into a white slave for some fat Russian who summers in Prague.

Because you can't spell such easy words as cuyahnogb

TJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it true that you're holding out for more moulah and a bigger percentage of the gross before you sign off on the rights to "The Passion of the Christ II"??

Blog Jesus answers:

You're new so I will go over it again. I have nothing to do with Regular Jesus - he's a myth. I am quite real and even liberal America is not ready for my life story.

Housekeeper asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

A follow up on tj's question. Since your are Blog Jesus and the Passion of the Christ is about the Bible Jesus, care to share any insights about the "Passion of the Blog Jesus"?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's like "Jake and the Fatman" but with porn during the commercial breaks.

Jess asks:

BJ: What's the worst pick up line you've ever heard? And did it work?

Blog Jesus answers:

Has the drink made you sleepy yet? I don't remember.

_________________________________________

Kick Elliot Ness' dog.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 171

2005-11-11T20:41:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

TLH asks:

Dear Blog Jesus - How can you still be awake?

TLH

Blog Jesus answers:

I have nothing to thank but a mixture of hobo blood and Mountain Dew.

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Is the "Fitty Cent" movie really the source of all the black-on-black-on-white-on-brown-on-yellow violence?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No. The source has always been the movie version of "Annie."

_______________________________________

Gopher shots.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 170

2005-11-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I'm sort of crushing on Maggie Gyleenhaal. Will it be weird if I mention to her that I saw her naked in that one movie on our first date? Or should I just keep mum?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't worry about talking about the movie. The "date" will be weird because she'll be tied up and you'll be threatening to cut her if she screamed for help.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J,

If you are so powerful, why are you in Indiana?

Blog Jesus answers:

This state created the greatest white basketball player ever. There's magic ass power here.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What about making sweet, sweet love in a church? I saw this happen in New York City. Would that be OK?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sweet, sweet love is not allowed in church - only hard fucking. We're talking break the pew shit here.

Footprint asks:

Dear BJ:

We;ve had a suspicion that our neighbor has been having "relations" whilst babysitting our dog. What can you do about it??

Blog Jesus answers:

Get a chastity belt for your dog and pray he can go without licking his balls for a few hours.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

What's Bizarro Blejus like, and are you two friends?

Blog Jesus answers:

He eats all my cheese, but other than that he's good in a stick up.

NewYorkMoments asks:

Blog Jesus...

This blog has renewed my will to live.

Can you explain to me why a large number of my gender are mindless idiots?

Blog Jesus answers:

Constant cock craving.

Marriedman Chang asks:

shepard of the flock,

dr. pepper or mr. pibb?

who wins?

Blog Jesus answers:

Mr. Pibb sounds like a black man so he'll obviously have a gun and put a cap in that Doc's ass then take his BMW.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

can you zip this for me?

thanks. that's much better.

now, why is it that labbie is reduced to a puddle of goo at the mere metion of "boobs"?

Blog Jesus answers:

I will never get over the fact that you love being in a body bag.

He has a third testicle that is immature.

Labbie states:

*melts down to a puddle of goo* Oh, dear Lord... There I go again.

Blog Jesus responds:

Don't bill me for the sheets.
______________________________________________

Piss squares.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 169

2005-11-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Motherdear asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

You're welcome for the award. Don't blame me, I didn't nominate OR vote for for you. But someone did. I'm sure they're happy about it now.

My question - why did you send a tornado to blow apart your own state of Indiana? Did they do something to upset you? (And no, nobody from Indiana nominated or voted for you for any awards, so I know that wasn't it.)

Blog Jesus answers:

If you can't kill your own then you have no right to kill at all.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Since you know the Big Guy Up There, I was thinking you would have an answer to the following question. Is it sacrilege to have sex on the steps of a church? I saw this behavior several years ago in Boston. If not, are there any rules of etiquette that one should follow?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's cool to make sweet, sweet love on the steps of the church - just don't leave any juices of any sort behind.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

With evolution having finally been laid to rest (finally) in Kansas, will you make Wichita the base of your operations now?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. It will remain my toilet.

DucatiMike asks:

Hey BJ,

So I've recently come back to blogging and such and I'm not liking this word verification thing...it's a PITA.

My question:

Can I borrow one of the Anal Chainsaws...I have need of one here at work....this boss of mine... Need I really explain further?

Blog Jesus answers:

I will let you borrow one, but you need to clean it before handing it back and you can't wear gloves while doing so.

Where Did I Go? asks:

Your Jolliness,

would you recommend the Doom movie, being based on Hell, or What Dreams May Come, based on your homeland?

And what's with your music already? Can't we give the pilgrams a chance?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would recommend the film I have of the Rock sodomizing Robin Williams.

I love my oppressive pilgrim music - those bastards killed the Indians and eliminated a good source of slaves.

Marriedman Chang asks:

Dearest blog jeeeesus.

Now that I'm "outing" gay men that don't need to be "outed" on my blog (e.g. Condoleeza Rice and Alf) will I go straight to hell? Or will I take a detour?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think I have told you that you are going to hell for quite awhile now. Once it is determined you are hellbound there is no detour. You go from dead to fucked pretty quickly.

________________________________________

Poor jobless Maggie Grace.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 168

2005-11-08T15:32:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

You truly are the master of making all things right. As you are the current blog guru, I have an interesting question for you to answer.

Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop? Who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip? Who was that man? I'd like to shake his hand. He made my baby fall in love with me.

Blog Jesus answers:

His name is Herb Williamson from Portland, Maine. He's a pedophile so he'll only touch your hand after you touch your kid's hand.

Jess asks:

BJ:

What's with your obsession with all things ass?

Blog Jesus answers:

I made a killing on donkey futures years ago.

G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Besides alcohol, drugs and sex, what else is there to get rid of the blues?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well there are hate crimes and ice cream. Child abuse takes care of the doldrums as well.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

If homosexuality were a sin, wouldn't God have built the sphincter so it wouldn't open from outside?

Blog Jesus answers:

He tried the other way and it was just damn gross. It's a flaw in the product that lead to raw ass results.

Pops states:

Beej,

Even though I referenced the fact that everyone gets a medal in the Special Olympics today and you referenced the same thing yesterday, I want it to be made clear that I didn't actually steal that from you. I think everyone knows that if I were going to steal something from yesterday, it would have definitely been "anal chainsaw".

Blog Jesus responds:

Whatever. Pimp both my blogs in your next post and all with be pretty much forgiven.

__________________________________________

It'll be raining soon. Keep inside and wait to kill someone tomorrow.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 167

2005-11-07T19:22:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

David R. Collett asks:

B-Jesus

Bible Jesus is offering me a place in heaven in return for my devotion on earth. I haven't made my mind up and am still shopping around.

Can you beat his offer?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but I have your family in a basement and I will have my cronies break out the anal chainsaw if you don't go my way.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

After a day of answering questions and making the world right for the masses of humanity, what do you do for fun?

Blog Jesus answers:

Burn children with cigarettes.

Motherdear states:

Congratulations, MPH, your site has been voted Best Comedic Blogsite by your peers at The Order of Brilliant Bloggers.If you would care to do so, there is code available to paste into your template in order to denote your achievement.

It is at http://www.mdskidsrbrilliant.blogspot.com in the post entitled "The Envelope, Please".

Thank you for your delightful writing, and your vast contribution to the blogging community.

Blog Jesus responds:

I was the only one up for the award. That's sort of like being in the Special Olympics were everyone gets medals.

Jess asks:

BJ:

Plain or peanut?

Blog Jesus answers:

Smooth shit sure comes out the ass easier.

G.D. asks:

where have all the bloggers gone?

Blog Jesus answers:

Outside to experience this nifty thing called the sun.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is there any way I could coexist with a french beard, yet not keep pulling it all day till my face hurts?

Blog Jesus answers:

Masturbation.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

you aren't going to fall off the face of the earth, too, are you? seems all my favorite blogs have gone on hiatus...and i'd hate to be unemployed- my health coverage just kicked in.

Blog Jesus answers:

Falling off the face of the Earth is not a spectacular way to go. When I get bored with this shit my exit will be bloody and thought provoking at the same time.

Whoever the fuck he is this week asks:

Blog Geez,

Do you know any good lawyers? I'm afraid Johnny Cochran is no longer with us, and I need some legal counsel. My blog is in peril. Help?

In Him,

Lab Guy "Labbie" Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I got fuck you money so I don't need lawyers - just my check book. Like I said above I do have a town of anal penetrating saws.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What is a 'French beard' as referenced by Gawker? Is it just one of those beards that smells bad or is there a nice cream sauce involved?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is the ass hair of a Frenchie. It both smells bad and occasionally comes with a nice cream sauce.
____________________________________

MRF

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 166

2005-11-04T21:58:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

David R. Collett asks:

I have to admit, after only 3 questions, my world is righter.

Where did you get your special powers of "making the world right" from?

Blog Jesus answers:

Peanut butter in my pockets.

Housekeeper asks:

This weekend I have a wedding to attend; it will be the third one I've gone to in less then a month. I've run out of gift ideas what do you suggest.

Blog Jesus answers:

A book on the art of the donkey punch.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

If half of America is asleep waiting for 2008 to show up, how is it that anything is getting done?

Blog Jesus answers:

The other half have hired Mexicans that work on the cheap.

Danikabur asks:

Why do I enjoy cheezy sappy lame ass songs so much?

Blog Jesus answers:

You drink way too much.

Jess asks:

BJ:

If you were to come face to face with Master Yoda, WWBJD (what would blog jesus do)?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pick him up and throw him in the air and laugh giddily.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have a pressing question to ask you, as you make the world right and you are, of course, Blog Jesus, one of the Natural Wonders of the world.

In your opinion, what is the cheesiest song in the entire world?

Oh yeah, my word verification was "kidho." What's up with that?

Blog Jesus answers:

"A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke.

Blogger is keen on such things.

Where Did I Go? asks:

Oh, Wholy BJ,

following on Duff's question,

What if one has a Lonely, Broken Heart?

What about a broken Coxis?

Blog Jesus answers:

There's no such thing. By that person has slit his or her throat.

Just eat some grapes and have a good cry.

Duff asks:

hey boss~

thanks for waiting. i had a really long post to pound out, then got a little sidetracked and.....

whew!..

but i'm here now. did you save me some takeout? i'm starving.

Blog Jesus answers:

I actually had the Chinese guy stay and he'll cook you some hot food.

________________________________________________

Gutters.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 165

2005-11-03T15:18:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Where Did I Go asks:

I want to be the next Stephen King. What can you do for me?

Blog Jesus answers:

I can certainly run you over with my car. At the very least people may buy your book because they are sorry for your broken ass.

Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

When I get through medical school, which specialty would best fit my aptitudes?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

Monkey testicle firmness evaluator.

Duff asks:

is it really better to be the owner of a lonely heart, as opposed to the owner of a broken heart?

what if you own a broken futon?

Blog Jesus answers:

The owner of a lonely heart is sad and pathetic. The owner of a broken heart usually wants revenge and that's kick ass.

If you own a broken futon you should be happy because there's been a lot of hard fucking going on.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

To continue the references to songs, why do fools fall in love?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's a government conspiracy to keep divorce rates up and piss off the Catholics.

David R. Collett asks:

B-JesusMore questions. I am a mere student on your path to your higher wisdom.

1) When bible Jesus died he went up to heaven and sat on the right hand of his father. What will happen when you die?

2) Is there a Blog Holy Ghost?

3) Vampires can be harmed by holy water, sunlight etc and so they fear it. What do you fear?

Your will be done - in the blogosphere as it is on earth

Blog Jesus answers:

1) The rioter will probably burn the body and I will be walking around as a ghost fucking up people.

2) Not anymore. I killed him accidentally during a ski trip. He makes for a nice sheet though.

3) Apes that can type thirty words a minute.

Jess asks:

B to the J:

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Blog Jesus answers:

With the back of my hand. And if that's not enough I get the belt out.

______________________________________________________

Dug nuts.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 164

2005-11-02T18:54:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

David Collett asks:

Sorry Blog Jesus, I did not realise the difference between you and the other Jesus.

But I still have questions...

1) How would you think modern Christianity would be different if you had been the bible Jesus rather than the other Jesus?

2) Have you met any other blog deities - like Blog Zeus, or Blog Odin? If so, what are they like?

Blog Jesus answers:

There would not be much of a change of than porn would be accepted as viable prime time network programing.

They don't exist. I stand alone on the mountain top pissing one everyone and enjoying every minute. That's right, my pisses take minutes.

Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

Beat myself up about the past... Checked. Now, how do I get rid of this stain on my carpet?

In Him,

Lab Guy

ps: It reads kind of bad, but I swear I didn't do what it reads like I did...

Blog Jesus answers:

Just take a shit in the opposite corner and say that your decorator thought it was a good look.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

How much longer till the world is coated with an inch deep layer of chewing gum?

Blog Jesus answers:

When the root beer recedes.

Jess asks:

BJ:

When the are you going to produce your spawn and take over the world?

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't need kids aka harbingers of doom to take over the world. I just need a fork and a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

Which is more surprising to you:

The fact that Labboy has a lightsabre

or

The fact that he and Married Man have resisted succumbing to their obvious sexual attraction for so long?

Blog Jesus answers:

Obviously the latter. And thanks . . . your question can only mean that Lab Guy's freak will be back.

_________________________________________

Booze kills the pain that comes back so that booze can kill it again.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 163

2005-11-01T20:39:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I waited on my doorstep yesterday with a bagful of candy for little kids to show up. But not a single little kid showed up. Did no one show up because I waited on my doorstep yesterday with a bagful of candy for little kids to show up?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes . . . that and the fact that you were naked and screaming that you wanted to give the young'uns a protien filled treat.

G.D. asks:

BJ,

I was going to ask a question, but gawker's profile pic scared the shit out of me.

Could this explain your popularity decline?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think my popularity decline has to do with being too helpful. I am solving problems much to quickly and in order to solve that problem I request that you all start taking drugs and turning tricks for money. At the very least some family members with their own problems will come on to at least ask why I turned their child/brother/sister/cousin into a crack whore. Then I can convert them as well.

David R. Collett asks:

Blog Jesus:

Long time listener, first time caller.

In Matt.12:40 it says "For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth."

As far as I remember, you went down on the Friday, and got back up again on Sunday morning. That's only two nights by my count.

What happened to the third night? Why did you check out early?

Blog Jesus answers:

Newbie, it's a common mistake to think that I am the regular Jesus - I am not. I don't rely on unsensical magic tricks like the one you described above to lure people in. I rely on abuse and ridicule.

By the way I love your work on the spin off to "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

Master Yoda said we must be mindful of the future, but Master Qui-Gon said not to do so at the expense of the here and now. Who's right?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

They are both wrong. You should be looking deep into the past and beating yourself up for all your mistakes.

Stacy asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is scanning the pews for hot men while at church a sin? Do you take that 'lustful heart' stuff seriously? I mean seriously, even you had to get horny at some points right?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is not a sin until you engage in anal sex with this hot man in the church. Actually that is not a sin either, but it is frowned upon because of the potential fecal expulsion.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

since you told me to spend the rest of the week on my back, could you do me a favor and bring me some of those foil wrapped peanut butter/chocolate candies that look like pumpkins?

thanks, boss.

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as you feed half of them to me while I am sitting above you in my Lazy-Boy.

Digitalicat asks:

Greetings! I'm quite pleased to inform you that you have been nominated for an award from The Order of Brilliant Bloggers for the month of October.

The Order of Brilliant Bloggers is a grass roots group dedicated to recognizing the excellence among us.

Feel free to encourage your readers to stop by and vote for you. Voting for October will run until November 5th, 11:59pm EST.

Congratulations and we hope to see you participating in our group.

(My question: Why haven't you won Best Comedic Site for this already?)

Blog Jesus answers:

Because people don't go out to vote and I would rather drink then campaign.

_____________________________________________

Baddddd yogurt. Ugh.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Halloween Edition

2005-10-31T15:47:00.000-08:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

I'm pretty sure the Anti-Spammer Word Verification thing is trying to tell me something. It's speaking to me in some kind of code. Right now it says "phwtablj". I just KNOW that means something, but I can't quite figure it out. Help me.

Blog Jesus answers:

It means you have been licking toads again.

Larry Jones asks:

Does it freak you out when the souls of the dead return to mingle with the living? Don't you wish we could party with them every night, and not just Halloween?

Blog Jesus answers:

The souls of the dead are always around, they just don't do shit - like most union workers. However, they get OT on Halloween and actually give a shit for one day. For the most part they are just tremendous pains in the ass.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

As much as I like to stay current with the news, I've decided that Mr. Libby was not a great choice. It's Fred Phelps, the crazy export from Kansas.

What's it like to have God as your father?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually it was Sherman Helmsley but he's just too old to go to jail.

Aside for the cigarette burns, sort of bitchin'.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

sorry i haven't been around much lately. you see, the fishnets i bought at frederick's were a size too small, and i lost the reciept, so it's not like they can be returned, so i've been living on the treadmill lately.

which leads to today's question:do i need ice, or heat, to treat my sprained ankle? i can never remember......

Blog Jesus answers:

You need ice and you'll have to work on your back for a week.

Housekeeper asks:

I was looking into becoming a Private Investigator so my stalking practices would have some kind of legitimacy, but the starting costs in my home state are about $1000. Is there a way to get around this hefty fee?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just wear a fedora and trenchcoat while you're stalking and say you're a private dick.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

The voices in my head just said goodbye. I feel really alone now. How do I bring them back?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just keep coming back here. I'll beat out what little sanity came back to you and you'll have a head full of people in no time.

Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

What's a reasonable rate to charge for giving physical therapy for a sprained ankle? And should there be a "happy ending"?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

I'll pay you five bucks to stay away from my support staff and your happy ending will be me not kicking your ass.

______________________________________________

The fuckers keep asking for candy . . . somebody get my gun.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 161

2005-10-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Housekeeper asks:

Who side that the customers would be women?

Blog Jesus answers:

You forget that I am Blog Jesus and I know all. Sure you'll advertise to men, but unfortunately all the closet cases in your town will pussy out and not show up. That leaves women and they aren't going to show up either because they'll be drunk and getting laid regardless.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've got a question for you. I'm attending a Halloween party involving large amounts of beer and I need some advice on what costume to wear.

What should I wear or does it really matter? After all, most of the people are going to be drunk and not notice anything through a beer fog.

Blog Jesus answers:

You should go as Scooter Libby getting anally raped in prison. Show you know how to be very relevant.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

what's with all these people over 40 still dressing up in costumes on Halloween? Isn't the mask that is their life good enough for them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Those people are retarded and still think they are seven years old. Let the tards have their fun - when they are in masks they aren't treated as mongoloid outcasts. Until they talk, then they're the retard in the Scooter Libby getting anally raped outfit.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Apart from throwing it at my monitor what other uses could my keyboard be put to?

Blog Jesus answers:

Mainly just typing questions to me and beating children.

__________________________________________________

I have never been indicted for anything. But I have placed blame on people that lead to their indictments. I'm very proud of that.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 160

2005-10-27T21:23:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Housekeeper asks:

I want to open a brothel that only staffs male hookers. Do you think it would do well?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Women never have pay for sex. At the very least, if they are slightly unattractive they have to buy drinks - but nothing more.

Danikabur states:

Well I suppose restroom breaks would be recommended. We should take them at the same time though.. that way I won't miss you so much.

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if we use the same toilet at the same time.

______________________________________________

Two questions? I refuse to believe you kids have lives.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 159

2005-10-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

I like boobs in 3-D, myself... But, to each his own. At any rate, It appears that E-Bay has this "policy" that prohibts auctioning off the services of midgets for personal pleasure. Can you, uh, "do something" about it? Thanks.

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

Call the pleasuring midgets end tables with benefits then run with it.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

As always, you have promptly and efficiently answered my questions, not matter how inane they are. I've got another question for you and it involves the same Bible Thumper.

He says that the end of the world is coming soon and we all should repent. What are the signs of the Apocalypse and when is it finally happening. I've got dibs on December 21, 2012.

Blog Jesus answers:

Listen carefully, the end is never going to come. That's the rub, we have to suffer through this shit for-fucking-ever.

Danikabur asks:

BJ

How long will my good mood last? Also can you stay in my skirt forever?

Blog Jesus answers:

Keep taking the drugs and you'll be fine.

I can stay so long as I get restroom breaks.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Where do mink fur coats come from?

And also is it true that animals do not feel the pain of a limb caught in a fur hunter's trap?

Blog Jesus answers:

Oddly otter bills.

No they feel the pain and I think it is fucking hilarious.

Grouch grouch asks:

Dear Blog J

It's my boyfriends birthday tomorrow. What do you suggest I do for him?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dress up really slutty and make him breakfast food for dinner.

_______________________________________

People gain weight only if they don't eat.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 158

2005-10-25T15:44:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur states:

Ooooo yeah thats just where I like you BJ. Thanks. :D

Blog Jesus responds:

Well, I should be liked everywhere . . . but I am willing to let that slide.

Marriedman asks:

Dear BJ

Are your initials concrete evidence that the blow job is indeed divine?

And why do oriental men have such small weenises?

Blog Jesus answers:

No it is concrete evidence that shows that involve a monkey and a semi are awesome.

They eat too much fiber and shit length and girth out.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What's the best way to remove anal warts? (I have a 'friend' who wants to know)

Blog Jesus answers:

Pick at them until they are bloody then go to a doctor.

Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

Will my e-bay business take off? And what do I need to do to assure this?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

How can your business take off, it does not have legs so it can't move. If you want the business to take off you need to get it some functioning legs.

_________________________________________________

You know what I love in 3-D? Carrots.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 157

2005-10-24T18:09:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Whomanjim asks:

Oi B.J. -

Wuz checkin out Satan's blog - saw he mentioned yours, so here I am ! You both are very funny - ever thought of teaming up as a comedy duo, ala Cheech & Chong, Bevis & Butt-head, etc.??? By the way, enjoyed ya both dukin' it out on South Park a while back LOLOLOL !!!!!!!!

Cheers - Whoman ;-)

Blog Jesus answers:

I am like Lorenzo Lamas on the cult classic "Renegade." I only work with an Indian with a mullet and a hot blonde. Satan is neither one of those things.

For the last time, I am not regular Jesus. He's a figment of the collective's imagination. I am real.

Satan asks:

Jesarse

Should you smite him or should I?

Blog Jesus answers:

You brought him to the party - he's your responsibility.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Vietnamese noodle soup gave me diarrhea. Do something.

Blog Jesus answers:

Okay . . . don't eat Charlie's noodle soup you dumbass.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

when my contacts make cruncing noises, does that mean it's time to take them out? what if i can't find the case? should i just squirt half a bottle of eyedrops into my right eyeball?

Blog Jesus answers:

When you got crunchy contacts you should take them out. However, I wouldn't mind you squirting a half a bottle of eye drops into your eye. You looked smokin' the last time you came in sporting an eye patch.

Sandi asks:

Can you send over about a dozen strong men to load my moving truck, free of charge?

Blog Jesus answers:

They'e booked. All I got for you is thirty blind midgets that will cost you five dollars.

Danikabur asks:

BJ

I looked under my skirt and didn't find you. I am wearing it today in the hopes that you re-appear under it.

Blog Jesus answers:

Hell - I just moved into your pants. Don't get your panties into a bunch I'll make my way back to the skirt pronto.

Marriedman asks:

Dear Bloggod,

I took your advice to danikabur and checked under my skirt, but you weren't there either. Does that mean you don't exist?

Also, I have a massive mouth maggot problem, any indication as to why?

Blog Jesus answers:

I do exist, but you won't find my under your skirt ever.

The reasons for your maggoty mouth are too numerous to state right here and now.

__________________________________________

No lateness today. Just Twinkies.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers . . . Belatedly - Day 156

2005-10-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks. The business of being me prevented me from answering your questions on Friday. While I won't go into details about what took my attention away from you - my psychotic disciples. I will say that the puppies don't have to worry about being boiled for another six days. Now where's my usual opening . . .

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

Who is the poster that you are most afraid of and why?

Blog Jesus answers:

I fear no man , which means women scare the shit out of me. Therefore I would have to say S.J. She has kids and seems to love them . . . shudder.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Petroleum jelly or water-based lube? I use a combination of soft candle wax and my own spit, in case you were wondering.

Blog Jesus answers:

Water-based lube. Petroleum jelly just gives more money to people who fund terrorists and I support our troops not being killed by guns purchased thanks to petrleum jelly profits.

Housekeeper asks:

Dear Blog Jesus-

Why is DeLay so happy in his booking photo?

Blog Jesus answers:

It was two minutes after the cavity search.

Starbender states:

Just surfed in and had a good laugh here. Thanks!:)

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not here for your amusement . . . I am here to make your world better. Find a clown if you want laughter. Find me if you have anal warts and want to know the proper way to burn them off.

Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

Will I have cake this weekend? Will it be good? And will it be the cake of a lifetime?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, your right hand will do well by you.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Continuing housekeeper's train of thought, is Delay smiling so that people won't recognize him?

And also is it possible to smile so broadly that it meets at the back of your head and it falls off, and is there any chance of this happening to Delay?

Blog Jesus answers:

That is the smile of a man that enjoyed having a fingerr in his ass more then he thought he would.

It is possible but we don't want that happeing to DeLay - it will release all the demons.

Marriedman asks:

does lab boy like pound cake or angel food cake?

Blog Jesus answers:

He's a wee man and can only handle Hostess cakes.

Marriedman states:

Oh, shoot. I didn't address you properly,

Please excuse my ignorance Dearest Blog Jesus.

Blog Jesus responds:

If I excused your ignorance then I couldn't answer your questions.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

are you posting later because you're waiting for me to ask a question each day?

...or are you just hoping that i'll read your answers in my underwear?

Blog Jesus answers:

I was waiting for the NC-17 response you alluded to.

I thought you already read my answers in your underwear. If not that will be rectified in the policy manual on Monday.

Oldroses asks:

Since when did you allow Duff to wear underwear?

Blog Jesus answers:

When I am in the tearing things off of people mood. And they're always crotchless.

Kenna asks:

Dear BJ:

Will you marry me?

I'll be waiting for you at the Graceland Chapel in Vegas on Friday, October 28 at 4:00 p.m.

Kenna

Blog Jesus answers:

I am booked that day getting married to three other women. If you can wait . . . let me see . . . five years I think I will have time for that.

TheJobey states:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Bitches be trippin.

Blog Jesus responds:

That's what happens when you spike the punch.

___________________________________________

I will be back on Monday . . . I promise.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 155

2005-10-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff asks:

dear boss~

"against all odds"?

i have a comment for that, but it's rated nc-17.

how about a medley of phil's greatest hits?

Blog Jesus answers:

The medley will be sufficient . . . after you give us all that NC-17 comment.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

What is the longest period of time a pair of jeans may be used unwashed before things begin to grow on your body?

Blog Jesus answers:

34 days and one night so long as you don't shit yourself. If you shit yourself all bets are off.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have an important question to ask you. Because you know the Big Man in Heaven, you can get the answer from him.

This ultra-conservative Bible Thumper said that hurricanes and other natural disasters were God's way of warning us to change our sinful ways. For example, Hurricane Katrina wiped out New Orleans 'cause that city is "wicked." Is his statement true? I'm thinking he's reading the Bible incorrectly.

Blog Jesus answers:

He's not reading the Bible at all. He's reading some notes I wrote down on a napkin while I was drunk and fornicating with a bunch of strippers on Bourbon Street. I said "Man, I am having such a great time I sure hope this wicked place of sin, booze, and sex doesn't get wiped away by a hurricane named after a stripper." He's changing up my words.

Married Man asks:

Dearist blog j-diddy-

Is it wrong for me to have hatred in my heart for lab girl? It's just that he showed me his nipple and when I told him there was nacho cheese on it, he slapped me silly and called me fistina aguilara.

Blog Jesus answers:

I guess that is a reason to hate him, a deranged and somewhat stupid reason . . . but a reason nonetheless.

Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

How can I show compassion for the trully wicked, like Married Man, and still maintain my sanity?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

You can't. Just go fucking nuts - it's much more fun.

_________________________________________________

Ugly sandwiches are still sandwiches.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 154

2005-10-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus, Mighty thrower of the galactic pigskin,

Will the Eagles suck again this weekend? And if so, would sacrificing a baby iguana help?

Blog Jesus answers:

The Eagles shall not suck. T.O. has been mouthy in the lockerroom and the only way to shut that nicely toned, big black bitch up is to win the game.

Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

Long story short, no one has found him yet, but my arm is still bleeding. In your infinite wisdom, can you point me to a single freaking box of bandaids in this office?

Blog Jesus answers:

Phyllis has been hoarding them for when she tears off her rug burn scabs.

Marriedman asks:

Dear Blog God's son-

It's been a while, but I'm assuming you didn't miss me.

My question is this:Is the band Train the gayest band around, or is Nickelback?

Oh, and is lab boy really a guy, or should he change his name to lab gal?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually, Hoobastank is the gayest band of them all. But those other two band are in the circle jerk as well.

He's not much of a man, but he is a man nonetheless.

Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

I hope I'm not too late. Does MarriedMan have the hots for every GUY he sees, or is it just me?

In Him,

Lab Boy/Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

You just do strange things to strange people.

__________________________________________

Uh . . . . something.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 153

2005-10-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Holly asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Isn't colon scissors TWO words?

Respectfully yours,

Holly

Blog Jesus answers:

Two words is the new one word kiddo. Get hip to the scene.

Lab BOY asks:

Blog Geez,

Do you chew your oxycontin or just blend it into a smoothie? I need some right about now.

In Him,

Lab Guy

(Yes, I did a little growing up over the weekend.)

Blog Jesus answers:

I just swallow them whole and then drink a couple of martinis to make sure I don't remember hitting anyone while I drive home.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Where the fuck is Bob Uecker? I mean seriously, is he dead? I think he's dead.

Blog Jesus answers:

He's not dead . . . he's just calling baseball games for the Milwaukee Brewers . . . okay he is sort of dead.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

i can't do "stairway to heaven"-how about the far more cliched "girls, girls, girls", instead?

Blog Jesus answers:

Do you think this lap condones cliched lap dance songs. Lets compromise - how about Phil Collin's "Against All Odds"

_________________________________________________

Anyone that has gotten a lap dance to a Phil Collins' song deserves a cookie.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 152

2005-10-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Johnny Menace asks:

Will snake eyes and i reconcile?

Blog Jesus answers:

He will try to reconcile, but that whole no talking thing will only create another misunderstanding and fuck things up.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I finished the marathon. Just barely... I had a near death experience. I saw Regular Jesus and you, Blog Jesus... You guys were playing frisbee. How odd. At any rate, am I ever going to be able to walk again?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

You have feeble chicken legs so I don't think you will be walking anytime soon. You're lucky though, Regular Jesus doesn't want people knowing he digs the bee and he's willing to save your legs for your silence. I called him a fucktard for even considering the deal.

R.U. Serious asks:

How have you been able to fight the urge to make a "running joke" joke all week?

Blog Jesus answers:

Oxycoton.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

i'm feeling a little winded after running that marathon.

what sort of exercises do you suggest to aid in improving my stamina?

Blog Jesus answers:

Lap dances to "Stairway to Heaven."

Jaynesays asks:

BJ - is it wrong to laugh because the anagram of "Jesus Christ" is "Crushes Jest" or would laughing just be ironic?

0:) Rev. Jayne

Blog Jesus answers:

It is perfectly okay to laugh at anything Jesus related as long there is not a Blog in front of that Jesus. If you do that, then you might as well accept that you won't be pretty for a little while.

Lil Irish Gal asks:

I am saddened that Notre Dame lost in the final 3 seconds on Saturday to USC. When is USC going to lose?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you had bet on the Golden Domers to beat the spread like I did you would be giving a shit about the loss because you would be rich. USC will lose when I am done making money off of them - so like next year probably.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Will I own a 12 person jacuzzi when I grow old, like Jerry Jones? Or will I just look like him?

And also, why is your word verification shit getting longer and longer Lord? Are you getting more and more suspicious of mankind?

Blog Jesus answers:

You will never own such a jacuzzi, but you will end up looking like him after he has spent too much time in a jacuzzi.

It is impossible for me to be more suspicious of mankind. Seriously you people are fucked. Blogger is just full of assholes that want to keep me down. Thankfully my readers are too stupid not to write in incoherent drivel just to ask me a question.

_______________________________________________

The word of the day is colon scissors.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 151

2005-10-14T17:40:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

This is my last question that you can answer before the marathon... So I have to make it good. This might be my last one.

Q: Is this my last question for you? Or will I finish the marathon and be a hero of the masses?

In Him,

Lab Boy

ps: I hope MPH feels better.

Blog Jesus answers:

You will live to ask again, but you won't finish and you won't be a hero - a problem the ladies tell me is common with you.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've got another question for you, as if it wasn't obvious enough.

Do you like The Straight Dope by Cecil Adams? Some people claim he is the true font of knowledge.

Blog Jesus answers:

Like it? I love it . . . since I ghost wrote it for him while drunk on Sudafed on night.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Does our president pray to you now, because Regular Jesus ain't helping him out so much any more.

Blog Jesus answers:

He only knocks at my door when he needs to find three conservatives to that the golden shower will be proper.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus,

Lord of all that shivers uncontrollably,

Can you tell me if the cookie I am holding in my hands is fit for human consumption? It came free with a chair from Staples.

Blog Jesus answers:

Chair cookies are the most delicious cookies known to man. Eat it with gusto.

Danikabur asks:

But... I am not wearing a skirt.

Blog Jesus answers:

The one on the floor, next to the freshly cleaned anal beads.

__________________________________________________

It's here enough.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 150

2005-10-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Grouch Grouch asks:

Dear BJ,

Is it wrong to laugh at the dumb ass filling up his Hummer at the Gas station?

I need absolution>>

I tried not to point as I was laughing I swear!

Blog Jesus answers:

You should never laugh at a pimp trying to feed a ho. It's just uncalled for.

Danikabur asks:

Dear my favorite BJ

Is karma real?

Also I seem to have lost you again. I got a little busy and now I can't find you anywhere. Please show yourself.

Blog Jesus answers:

No, otherwise I would be a fucking billionaire for giving out all this wonderful advice.

Check up your skirt.

____________________________________________

Two is the loneliest number.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 149

2005-10-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Hell. Why not make it five Asians running behind me with cattle prods? I'll run fast enough all 26.2 miles... I'll be thinking of a certain blonde girl running around your office in a thong.

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Thoughts off my employee boy! For that you get a badger to the balls every other mile that you run.

Chronic the Hedgehog asks:

dear jesus,

why do so many women stalk me?

Blog Jesus answers:

They like meat and you have that bad habit of keep a half pound of roast beef in your back pocket.

Cecil B. asks:

Hey-zeus,

Why did you allow Koreans to invent banana flavored cheesy poofs with no cheese?

Blog Jesus answers:

The Koreans are a short people and I wasn't looking down when they got it in their mind to do this. However, I think they are delicious and they'll be getting another nuke as a result.

Pops asks:

Beej,

What does it say about me that every time someone says "bent penis" I am convinced for a second (for just one second) that it says "brent penis"? Is there something wrong with me, and if so, what?

As a side note, I would like point out that I do NOT, upon falsely reading "brent penis", I do NOT immediately turn off the computer and masturbate. I do NOT. Just to be clear.

Blog Jesus answers:

You're obviously longing for the erratic posting Brent to come back into your life on a regular basis. Go to his blog and express your feelings - he'll accept you, he's from Kansas.

Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Does snow hurt?

Blog Jesus answers:

When thrown by ninjas.

Jess asks:

BJ:

Will I still get into Heaven if I give into the porn slut side of me? I'm confused...

Blog Jesus answers:

Give in to the porn slut. You're going to hell just for being here - you might as well get every hole banged at once while you got the time.

___________________________________________

Apples. Just apples.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 148

2005-10-11T16:21:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Thank you for making everything right in your amazing fashion. I've got a quick question for you, as you are truly the master in answering them.

Is beer really God's way of letting him know he loves us or was Ben Franklin joking. He did mention something about Madiera once.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually LSD is God's way of showing the love. God just likes drunk chicks.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Thanks for the cattle-prodding Asian dude... Couldn't it have been a good-looking Blonde/Red head running in short shorts ahead of me?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Make that two cattle prod toting Asians behind you for making that suggestion.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus,
can i have the weekend off? i need to do a little jogging in short shorts.

perhaps i should practice around the office......

~your somewhat athletic secretary

Blog Jesus answers:

You can practice running around the office in a thong. That way running in short shorts will be somewhat of a challenge.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

how long is it necessary to be nice to someone that you don't like?

Blog Jesus answers:

Long enough to get into their house and clog their toilet with a massive shit.

G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Before I die...Could you give me a warning? What should I be looking for?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as I am not in the middle of watching Duff run you'll get your warning. Look for a Persian midget riding a cat.

Lulu asks:

If Lab Boy gets an athletic Asain, can I have the leftover Hot Blonde behind me at the end of the month?

Blog Jesus answers:

As long as I get video of the "victory" party.

Danikabur asks:

Why do people seem to like the ones they can't or shouldn't have?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because cutting leaves scars.

Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Did you miss me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Would I have sold all your belongings if I missed you?

___________________________________________

I wrote this hours after surgery. I have blog issues.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 147

2005-10-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

I've always wanted to know this: in a lesbian couple, how do they determine which one gets to ask if the pants they are wearing makes them look fat? I suspect it has something to do with menstrual cycles.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually it is determined by who can take the larger dildo. I have seen this process in person and you would think it would be hot as well, but it is actually very fecally and uteran wall collapsy.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I'm running this marathon this Saturday, and I need some extra "umph" to go the distance... Do you have anything cooked up in your "lab" that might help me?

In Him,

As Always,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I have hired an athletic, but scary Asian man to run behind you with a cattle prod.

Jess asks:

BJ:

When will I become rich and famous? Or maybe just one of the above. I'm not picky.

Blog Jesus answers:

When you give into the porn slut inside of you.

G.D. asks:

BJ,

Do many men have bent penisis (is that the plural or is it peni??)?

I'd like to avoid bent peni...How could I ask a guy nicely about the shape of his penis?

Blog Jesus answers:

Bent penis is common in about one out of every three thousand dudes. Bent penis syndrome is common in people that were nerds in high school. It comes from masturbating while crammed in a very small locker.

_____________________________________________

Stone free Tuesday.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 146

2005-10-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks asks:

Jesus,

Is it where I think it is? Or is it where I thought it was?

Maybe I haven’t really thought about it at all.

Is it even worth thinking about at all anymore?

Oh yeah, you can get that damn song out of your head by downloading my boloney 5 playlist on my blog.

Love, Peace, and Felafel Grease

Blog Jesus answers:

It is were you thought it was and now where you think it is.

No it isn't.

Possibly, but the Russian whore is doing a good job about making me forget as well.

Grouch Grouch asks:

Dear bjesus

With halloween coming up would it be ok to inpersonate Molly Ringwald? More specifically, Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club.

Or would Emilio Estaves be a better choice?

Blog Jesus answers:

The correct choice would be the kid that Emilio Estevez sexuallu assaulted in the lockerroom that got him in detention in the first place.

Katehopeeden asks:

Hey there,

What the fuck is a Three-Pointed star?

~K

Blog Jesus answers:

A retarded person's presnt to the world. Whenever one dies a retarded star lights up in the sky causing people to believe that aliens live among us.

Marla Singer asks:

Dear BJ,

I'm going to a festival this weekend. I might dress like a slut. If I take pictures and other people are in the pictures, would it be wrong to sell them?

Blog Jesus answers:

It would be wrong not to sell them. In fact you should just give them all to me so that I get more blackmail material on those fucks.

Mossy Stone asks:

Your High-and-Mightiness:

I will take your Boston song, but I'll need a moment to get the right bit for the drill press.

Maybe you can tell me why I work with idiots? Did God create Project Managers as a plague or as a separate species?

Peace (of Mind)-Mossy

Blog Jesus answers:

God created Project Managers because worldwide rape is just too messy.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

When will they come up with glasses that don't scrape the skin off your nose? Thank you, Lord, in advance.

Blog Jesus answers:

No need there are these things called contact which will take care of your nose skin situation in a jiff.

HFB asks:

If Andie MacDowell makes so much freakin' money hawking makeup, why can't she afford a different facial expression?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because the type of genital warts she has cost a lot of money to suppress.

Duff asks:

hey boss~

when would be a good time to discuss my "fringe benefits"?

Blog Jesus answers:

Inbetween our multiple dictation sesssions will work.

__________________________________________

Sunday is Dingleberry Saturday according to Jewish scrolls.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 145

2005-10-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Rich Bachelor asks:

I'm terribly sorry, but can you 'splain me this?

Why did you kill my dog?

Blog Jesus answers:

He kept shitting out the heroin before we made it across the border. He was a liability.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

How come there was no sandwich invented that was a piece of bread between two slices of meat? Also, why did a feeling of being extremely gay pervade my soul the moment I typed this sentence?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because no one likes to eat after a retard.

I think that is pretty self explanatory.

Danikabur asks:

Whoa. That answer was right out of a conversation I had with some people. How did you know?

Blog Jesus answers:

I was sitting right beside you will you were doing it. Rember the cheers?

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

If it's not a sin so long as those watching get some pleasure out of watching, then nothing is a sin, right? I mean, everyone has some dysfunctional turn-on that basically encompasses something being done... Where was I going with this? And why do my hands look huge?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Let me set the record straight. The only real sin in this world is watching "Alf" while eating bread. Otherwise everything is fair game.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

why, oh why, did britney actually allow photo evidence of herself having sex with kevin federline.

furthermore, does she think such a tape will actually sell? i mean, he's no tommy lee.

Blog Jesus answers:

She's a ho.

Yes, because she's a ho.

_____________________________________________

I have a Boston song stuck in my head. Someone please drill it out.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 144

2005-10-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

Holy crap, Colonel Potter's gonna shit. Me and Radar were tag-teaming Nurse Travers in the Swamp when the still blew up. She had her back up against the thing as we were attempting a Three-Pointed Star (very high degree of difficulty) when it went off. Now there's Travers all over the place, Radar is blind and I think the post-traumatic stress has caused me temporary erectile dysfunction. You gotta help us before the Old Man finds out, man. What do we do?

Blog Jesus answers:

Stop masturbating to and having self mutilation fantasies about MASH.

Grouch Grouch asks:

Dear bjesus,

Would it be unkind to blow up my co-worker's radio that plays smooth jazz for the over thirties all day?

Blog Jesus answers:

The only problem with that is that I have already seen the sequel - the new radio full of lite rock. You need to get headphones and use them to choke your co-worker to death.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I've committed many sins, well, some are the same sins done over and over... Will I ever stop sinning?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as you have two hands and access to some vasaline - no.

Lulu asks:

BJ- I have sinned and posted a comment on the wrong post. Forgive me, here it is:

Is a rabbit in a jean jacket as good as the hamster?

Isn't it true that if I don't have sex before marriage my girl parts will shrivel into a dried pumpkin seed?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but it is better than a badger in a Member's Only jacket.

Partially - you also need to videotape the encounters and send them to me.

Danikabur asks:

Why does getting to see hockey again FINALLY turn me on so darn much?

Blog Jesus answers:

It harkens back to that time you decided to use that dildo you left in the freezer overnight.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

is it really considered a sin if all parties involved enjoyed it?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. It is also not a sin if only one party enjoyed it. In fact, even if neither party enjoyed it all, but those watching at least got some pleasure it's all good.

____________________________________________

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 143

2005-10-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Will I get more cake or less cake for running the Baltimore Marathon next week?

In Him,

Lab Boy

ps: Glad to be the first to post a Q tonight!!!

Blog Jesus answers:

What's going to happen is that some corner boy is going to shank you and make you his bitch. So if you look at it one way you'll be getting a lot of very bad cake.

Le Raine asks:

BJ,

Should I wait until after marriage to lose my virginity?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would get a whole lot of laid now because I have it on good authority that you first husband will be extremely limp dicked.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Should I wait until after virginity to lose my marriage?

Blog Jesus answers:

What you need to do is give me those wonderful drugs you're on.

Blackops states:

you got some pretty cool links here on your blog jesus.

Blog Jesus responds:

I guess, but the fucker are always late with the rent.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I am creating an effigy of your wondrous visage using nothing but maxed out credit cards. Would that be a wrong thing to do?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as a baby or two gets burned in the process - no.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

By any chance, how does one become a font of knowlege and an advice giver of your scale? It is truly magnificent. Are the any courses you have to take? Any special requirements?

Blog Jesus answers:

Kid, all I did was start a blog and act like an asshole and people went apeshit over it.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

it's been a long day- mind if i take a nap at your desk?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as I can write poetry on your ass.

________________________________________________

Scrooge McDuck has never visited.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 142

2005-10-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is there a fixed time that you reply to our questions, or is it a play by ear kinda thing? And if so, could you like telepathically send everyone a signal to let us know its the last call for questions before the comments are closed?

Blog Jesus answers:

I just go with the flow. Time and space don't mean shit to me and I am too busy watching reruns of "Charlie's Angels" to do any telepathic mumbo jumbo. You'll just have to be an attentive motherfucker.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,It's not pixie dust... It's just straight heroin tar in the salsa. That's all.At any rate, will I be branded a(n) (even bigger) nerd if I go see "Serenity" this weekend?

In His Name,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

If going to "Serenity" is nerdy then I'm Miles Davis. Okay that made no sense. I went and saw "Serenity" this weekend and I don't think of myself as a nerd. But you going to "Serenity" this weekend definitely blows you up a few notches on the dork scale.

The Baxter states:

funny shit gzus....spaceship, bigfoot, and you. heros of 1987!

Blog Jesus responds:

We are actually heroes of 1983.

Housekeeper asks:

My husband's birthday is coming up, what should I get him?

Blog Jesus answers:

A hamster with corduroy pants.

Duff asks:

is it so wrong to have wanted to drive out of the parking lot at work for the last time with my naked ass pressed against the window?

was i wrong to restrain myself?

Blog Jesus answers:

No it was not wrong.

It was wrong to restrain yourself. You should've taken a shit at the front when you left.

G.D. asks:

If I'm not in the band then who took my place? I play the tamborine like no other, you crucified bastard.

Blog Jesus answers:

No one took your place. We don't need a tamborine so long as I can play the flute.

Johnny Menace asks:

Dear Biggie J,

I had a talk with your creator... it lead to 5 minutes anything goes in the barn.. what now?

Blog Jesus answers:

Rest because the horny donkeys are next.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Sorry to get political or even philosophical, but what's your opinion on intelligent design?

Blog Jesus answers:

I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

_______________________________________________

Avoid eaten cheese.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 141

2005-09-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff states:

dear boss~

sorry about not wearing the candy striper outfit earlier this week. i took one look at the dust bunnies on the floor and decided my white stripes would probably wind up gray.....so i hope you don't mind that i substituted the french maid getup while cleaning.

Blog Jesus responds:

It was sufficiently tight and short enough to do the job. Way to think outside of the box.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Why do I have to wear this goddamn candy striper outfit? It's itchy as hell and totally snug in the crotch. Plus it's fucking filthy.

Blog Jesus answers:

What you and your wife do in the comforts of your own home needn't be discussed in the confines of this blog. Unless your wife is really hot and you're willing to wear a bag over your head while you film your fun.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Could I convince you to ask Duff to wear a playboy bunny outfit instead? And how does this all constitute sexual harassment? Harrassment? How the hell do you spell harassment?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

That outfit got torn a few weeks back. The details are not important at this time.

There is only one "r" in asking your secretary to bend over and let the dog roam around.

HFB asks:

I missed the fucking first episode of Alias because the stupid fucking local station had it listed as starting an hour later. I watched the videotape Stellaluna instead.

I have no fucking question, just wanted to swear a lot and make you feel all superior because you know what the fuck happened and I don't.

Oh, wait, I do have a question: Where'd you find a candy striper outfit in Pops' size?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have nothing to do with Pops dressing up like a candy ass.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Thank you for responding quickly to my questions. Hopefully, the money should be coming soon.

On a different note, what makes food from Chipotle so good?

Blog Jesus answers:

They spray pixie dust on their Mexican grub.

____________________________________________________

Come heavy or don't come at all.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 140

2005-09-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

KateHopeeden asks:

Hey there,

What do you think about the little boy scouts selling popcorn for ten bucks a box? I mean, girl scout cookies I get, they are good and only slightly over-priced. But ten bucks for fucking popcorn? Who are they kidding?

~K

Blog Jesus answers:

I think those scouts are just trying to get their sodomite scout master out of jail so that they can really enjoy camping again. In order to do that there might be some inflation in the prices of the products they whore out.

Cher states:

you are better than me. WAY better. I have no problem admitting this.

Blog Jesus responds:

Well I have a problem with it. I am WAY, WAY better than you. Get it right.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How much money would be considered a "large sum" in your estimate? As a law school student, I have been taught to deconstruct simple sentences and question the meaning of every single word.

A rough estimate would be helpful as I hope to use the Force very soon.

Blog Jesus answers:

At the very least we're talking fifty large, but for you I am willin got go with seventy-five large.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Living life and loving it. Thanks for that advice. Now, as usual, I have a question... And inquiry, if you will. What does it take to be like you?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Low self esteem, a willingness to kill, and "Keen Eddie" on DVD.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Why does George Clooney make me feel warm all over? I dont think I'm gay cause Brad Pitt doesnt do anything to me.

Blog Jesus answers:

The reason that Mr. Clooney makes you feel warm all over is because he pays you to let him piss on you.

________________________________________

Turds.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 139

2005-09-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

You truly are the greatest in making things right.

Since you are one hell of a Jedi and can levitate stuff like a true master, would it be rash of me to ask for your secrets?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes it would. Now if you pay me a large sum before asking me then that rash will clear up.

Pops asks:

Beej,

I have spontaneously developed a condition called Steelspikethroughthetesticlesorrhea. It is very painful and TOTALLY unrelated to that time I tried to fuck a chainsaw. Have I earned a week off to watch TV and eat Cheetos or does it HAVE to be kidney stones?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dude, you're already jobless so you get to watch TV and eat Cheetos regardless. For your condition you actually have to work.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I get it. It's the hat. At any rate, somebody told me that she had a boyfriend who looks like the girlfriend that I had in February of last year... Is it true?

Deliver Us From Eva,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

You listen to too much bad music. Go outside and at least try to live life - now.

Marla Singer asks:

BJ-

Probably not. My supplier says you slated him for hell. But...I hear Gabrielle has a nice stash of angel dust.

Anyway, if you could pick a single ninja weapon in which to specialize, what would it be? (Mine is the cigar cutter).

The tape you requested is in the mail. There's stuff in it that would make Mary M. blush.

Blog Jesus answers:

Well I am already a master at all weapons, but if I had to pick just one it would have to be the exploding possum.

Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is something that's like done or spoken against you or your teachings is "sac"religious? Is that kinda like a sack lunch?

Blog Jesus answers:

I just wanted a bunch of relgious people saying "sack" alot.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

What do you think of my suggestion that words like "bling-bling" should be time-limited and should spontaneously explode once they reach the end of their tenure, never to again irritate the crap out of me?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think the idea is the shiznit dawg.

______________________________________________________

Dawg - what a lovely word.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 138

2005-09-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

there was a letter to the editor in the newspaper today fom someone claiming that the hurricanes were a sign from god that he was displeased with society's turn away from religion, taking "god" out of the pledge, allowing abortions, and giving gay people rights. it was suggested that we all "take a u-turn" back toward christianity.

can you smite this nut? he has bad breath, to boot.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually the hurricanes were created because society decided to virtually forget "Sheriff Lobo," which is an unpardonable sin. I'll smite him for getting the answer wrong, being a nut, and having b.o. of the mouth.

HFB asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What should be done about idiot spambots that cannot spell 'racing' correctly?

Sorry about the stones.

Blog Jesus answers:

They should be decommissioned and forgotten about until one day when we least expect it they rise again and we suffer through more bad grammar.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Why no nomination of a substitute-almighty-wisdom-source while you were gone? Fuck, even Letterman had guest hosts when he had his heart replaced that time. Is because you're trying to save us from apostasy or are you just scared a replacement would show you up?

I nominate HFB, by the way.

Blog Jesus answers:

I had planned on taking a non-issue related vacation at one point and did plan on having a "guest host" if you will. My current situation, unfortunately, prevented me from setting the Ask Protocols into motion. In fact I will likely need a guest host for one day a couple weeks from now. Details on how you can be Blog Jesus for a day soon.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Did you miss me? I bet you did. My real question is, are MPH's (NOT the degree I'm working on but the author of some famous blogs) kidney stones Calcium Carbonate, Calcium Oxalate, or Calcium Phosphate? And does it really matter?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

MPH has no fucking clue what kind they are and he doesn't care. All he knows is that at some point he will be pissing rocks.

The Snakehead asks:

Dear Bloggesus,

Where is hope?

Blog Jesus answers:

Under the table giving me a blow job. She's very thorough so don't expect any hope for awhile.

Marla Singer states:

While close you were with suspicions of too dumb to stop from asking, it was more of a "testing the lord like he likes it" thing. Ask anyway and ye shall receive.

My world is at ease for the now. Thank you.

Blog Jesus responds:

Can I please have the drugs that you are on.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Halliburton called. They want to be paid for the soul-saving they did for you while you were away. What should I tell them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Tell them all the currency I have on me right now is ass rapings by a donkey. If they are into that then by all means have them call Duff and set up an appointment.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

was it okay that i let gawker answer the phone while i took my lunch break?

if not, how can i make it up to you?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am in a good mood today so I will say that it was okay. However you now have to wear the candy striper outfit to work tomorrow and do a lot of jumping jacks.

Johnny Menace asks:

Where in the hell does Danny Tanner keep porn?

Blog Jesus answers:

Right by his exotic dildo collection.

Johnny Menace asks again:

and Full house folo up .... what goes on with Joey and Michelle in the basement?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Your typical abuse - rubber hoses to the face, cigarettes to the eyes, and sit ups.

G.D. asks:

Was it by coincidence that you did not answer my last question?

Oh my...Am I out of the band?

I'm glad you didn't burn your computer in hell...really, I am!

Blog Jesus answers:

It was just a coincidence. I didn't read your comment closely enough and thought it was a statement.

You haven't been in the band for months.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What the fuck is apostasy?

Blog Jesus answers:

A formal renunciation of one's religion and a word Pops' is using to make you look stupid.

________________________________________________

Do I dare go for three in a row . . . I do dare.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 137

2005-09-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

Although my computer problems and my health problem persists, I cannot leave you hanging for another day. So lets get this party started before the guy at Kinko's figures out what I am doing and asks me to leave. Please note that I won't be commenting on the general comments, just answering the questions of those dumb enough not to read that I didn't want questions asked. Roll the opening . . . .

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Marla Singer asks:

Dear BJ,

Which is the greatest sin:

lemurs, congress, or mathematica?

Blog Jesus anwers:

Lemurs are the greatest sin. An even greater sin in congressmen who love hardcore mathmatica though.

Professor and Duke asks:

Jesus! Last time you pulled some shit like this, we had to wait until Easter. What the fuck!?

Blog Jesus answers:

Oh my shit isn't as serious as the shit the last time, but there is a chance that I may be beaten and have to carry around things in order to feel swee relief again.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

As the pontiff of answering questions and making all things right, I have a question to ask. What do you think of The Force as a religion? Would you make for a good Jedi?

Blog Jesus answers:

The Force is the only religion that truly makes sense. Mostly because it involves being able to levitate things. If Christianity allowed me to levitate things I would be back on that track again.

I am a hell of a Jedi.

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How is MPH's sexual re-assignment coming along?

Blog Jesus answers:

Great. He went from being just a man to being a super man.

Johnny Menace asks:

Aiyo Biggie J,

Who will win in the TV dad fight? Al Bundy or Danny Tanner?

Blog Jesus answers:

Tanner. He will distract Bundy with porn then lay a donkey punch on him that will make Christina Applegate's uterus hurt.

Housekeeper asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was talking with a friend and we thought a good pick up line for you would be "Do you wanna be filled with the Holy Spirit?", do you have any good pick up lines for us?

Blog Jesus answers:

Drink this and come back by when you feel dizzy.

________________________________________________________

Unless death comes tomorrow, I will be back.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now . . . For Something Completely Different

2005-09-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus.

Before getting into the thick of things, let me be the first to tell you that I will be taking the rest of the week off due to the perfect storm of computer problems and a minor health issue. Don't worry disciples, the computer will be okay and I might just make it out of this one too.

As for today's questions, which primarily had to do with destroying or saving portions of the South, here is my general answer:

If I went and offed the entire South where in the hell could I get my moonshine and properly built orange Charger with a rebel flag painted on top of it? You can't get that shit in Detroit. The homies just want to trick the bitch out and their too busy making crack to even know anything about moonshine. So the South shall live. Sure I will keep fucking it royally from time to time, but as long as they keep producing my vices I will keep it on life support.

I ask for the time being that rather than asking any further questions you tell me how you'll make the world right again and also keep sending me tapes of all the wonderful sexual encounters you have while I am away.

______________________________________________

Ta ta for now.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 135

2005-09-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Sandi asks:

When Bush asked Condi for permission to use the bathroom, was that like a slave to master thing?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, he was just trying to gain favor with blacks in NOLA by literally having a black woman lead him around by the dick for a minute.

J. U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I praise your name in giving me a most enlightening answer to my question. I have another question to ask of you.

What is the sexiest occupation that one can have in life?

Blog Jesus answers:

Door to door meat salesperson.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is there any way I can attain war veteran status without fighting in a war? Cos there are just so many perks involved. Also, while you are at it, could you also make me handicapped parking spot-eligible without chopping off my limbs?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you want the status you have to do the stuff. So to become a veteran at the very least you have to let me shoot you - we can call it a holy war. If a handicap placard you have to lose at least one leg and one ball. Those are the rules.

KateHopeeden asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is she really that stupid? After everything I told her, she is dumb enough to stick around? Or is he really that good?

~K

Blog Jesus answers:

She's really that stupid and he's really that good so you're sort of screwed.

HFB asks:

How should I fold the napkin: Swan, flower, or hunchbacked Gypsy woman on steroids?

Also, is your lack of comments/visits mean that you are

A) Tall AND mean;
B) A cyborg determined to destroy the human race;
or
C) Recently separated from your fingers, and have to type using your nose, and just don't have the energy to comment on more than a select few blogs?

Blog Jesus answers:

Go with the hunchbacked gypsy.

I have to circle (A) and add (D) Too busy doing important shit to keep up on my blog reading.

Housekeeper asks:

Dear BJ,

I noticed I'm on the wait list for the last supper, how do I get a definite invite? Does it involve an animal sacrifice? ‘Cause I have two alpacas and a dingo at home that are getting on my nerves.

Blog Jesus answers:

All you need to do is link me. But sacrificing the animals would be cool too.

___________________________________________________________

And on Monday I rested . . . maybe.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers: Day 134

2005-09-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Why is the most sensitive part of my body also the most easy to kick?

Blog Jesus answers:

I needed to placate women who were tired of reaching into men's asses to take them down.

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I bow down to your awesome powers in answering questions and humbly beseech you to answer this most important question.

Does it really cost $89,900 to design a university mascot? I think I could do the same job with Photoshop for much less.

Blog Jesus answers:

It actually only costs $3,000 to design a mascot. The rest of the money goes to Korean mail order brides for the football team.

Mossy Stone asks:

Your Blogness:

Now that I know about my neighbours, will I ever eat chicken again?

Blog Jesus answers:

If I can go to a donkey show and still eat donkey then you certainly can still eat chicken despite your new found knowledge.

Footprints asks:

BJ:

What do I do with this old mayonais??

Between the toes,

Footprint

Blog Jesus answers:

There is a huge market for old mayo with people that love to stick their cocks in the jar. Go to your local black market and make a sale.

Danikabur asks:

When will the effects wear off? I really don't like not being able to think.. but really I'd like to not give up the beads either.....

Blog Jesus answers:

You need to go beadless for about three days and take three golden showers. After that you are good to go again.

___________________________________________________________

Words, words, words, words, words.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 133

2005-09-14T21:03:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog J,

What does it mean when a buxom young blonde gives me a cherry Blow Pop as a birthday present?

Blog Jesus answers:

That you have a retarded buxom blonde on your hands who thinks its neat to buy birthday gifts from a 7/11 counter.

Mossy Stone asks:

Your Worshipfulness:

Maybe you can explain what my neighbour (hereafter known as "fuckwit") does for a living? He and his wife (shrew) seem to be able to afford lots of new furniture. They are also keeping chickens and a teenaged niece in the house.

Blog Jesus answers:

They are day traders that use the the teenaged niece to play hide the cock - which also explains why they have the chickens.

Nain asks:

Dear blog jesus,

have you ever thought about asking us questions and having us answer them?

Blog Jesus answers:

That would be like giving a monkey a gun.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I have a pocket knife, two liters of vodka, some yarn, a knitting needle, and instructions on how to remove my own appendix... Should I go for it? Or do I play it conservatively and have a real doctor do it for me (with the above mentioned items)?

In Him,

(The Full Blown Retarded, Yet Magnificently Well-Versed For Someone Accused of Being Retarded) Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Do it yourself, but exchange the vodka for grape juice.

Lori asks:

Hey Blog Jesus

Since your so into making the world right...What's the lottery numbers for the big game...lol

Blog Jesus answers:

I said I was making the world right, not rich. There's a big deserve and it basically revolves me keeping my expensive as hell boot to the neck of the poor.

Housekeeper asks:

Dear BJ:

Will I ever realize my dream of opening a brothel that specializes in male prostitutes?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not until you can get that donkey smell out of the furniture.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

Do you think it's even funnier now that labrat intentionally waits until other people post so he doesn't seem like he has quite as big a crush on you?

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't try to understand Lab Boy's actions, I just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Grend31 asks:

Dear Mr. Christ,

I am in a bit of a pickle and I think you may be able to help. I understand you've a gift for transubstantiation. Well, I can't stand work anymore and I need to retire.. NOW. If I give you a ream of printer paper could you turn it into $100 bills please?

Yours looking for a financial miracle,

Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

The Secret Service is already watching me like a hawk so I can't help you. What I would suggest is robbing a bank or marrying a sugar daddy and killing him while robbing a bank.

G.D. asks:

BJ,

You were joking when you said "Frist", right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope. I was talking about Duane Frist from Eugene, Oregon, the loveable hobo that will capture America's hearts during the 2008 campaign and become the leader of the free world.

Danikabur asks:

Why can't I think of something good to ask?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're just going through the first sign of anal bead fatigue.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How much longer before Lab Boy goes insane, a week is it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Try five minutes ago.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

If Indiana is heaven, where is hell? And why would I even want to go to heaven?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hell was in Louisana but it was forced to relocate and is currently residing on the floor of Anna Crawford in Lexington, Kentucky.

Heaven is no fun to begin with. I don't even drop in any more.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

No. Seriously. Why the hating?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

You're not black enough to understand.

Fuck off states:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have never ever seen anything funny come from you, however, I will admit, that response you had to my comment did make me laugh, I will give you credit for that. As for my question, don't you think Laby Boy sucks, and like always, also, you are gay.

Blog Jesus responds:

Now fuck off, he's black enough to get it.

_____________________________________________________________

I'm in the hatch.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 132

2005-09-13T16:47:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Katehopeeden asks:

Hey there,

I'm new here...And since you mentioned that even thinking about asking anything here already damned me, I figured what the hell?

Of course, I can't think of anything pertaining to me... So, how are you?

~K

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not angry enough to kills a human right now, but if a unicorn comes by that bitch is fucked.

The Jobey asks:

Dear Blog J-man,

Did you authorize that horrible Christian rock my neighbors are always playing?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Scott Stapp leads a fringe group that tries to spread "the word" through shit dick music. I will give $5.00 to the person that can produce his head to me for my trophy case.

HFB asks:

What are artistic eggs, do they have anything to do with jazz hands, and how, exactly, is Tom Cruise mixed up in all of this?

Blog Jesus answers:

Artistic eggs were meant to be contraptions that kept retards amused so that people could go about their daily lives without feeling the need to through food at them. These things have nothing to do with jazz hands. Tom Cruise did once shove one up his ass to feel again, but that is a whole other thing.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Sorry I've been absent.

Three swarthy youths attacked me in an alley, stole my wallet and set fire to my back hair. I've been recuperating.

Also: couldn't think of any questions.But see, now I've built it up too much and anything I ask is certain to be disappointing. Plus I kind of forgot what it was I was going to ask in the first place.

I guess I'll just ask: why just a mayo jar? Theoretically if a person could get their cock through the opening of any jar--say horseradish or pickles or grandma's plum preserves--wouldn't it be just about the same effect?

Blog Jesus answers:

I just go by what nine out of ten denists say and that is all.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Why is ABC doing a "dance off" to "Dancing With The Stars"? Haven't we been through enough, what with the hurricane and all?

In Him,(The Mildly Retarded)

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Have you seen the chick that won the event's breasts. America needs those right now.

Colonialave asks:

So um Blog Jesus . . .

I was just flicked off by some guy in a Van that said "Go with God. Love Jesus."

You did that on purpose didn't you?

Bless us all that have thoughts of slowly killing off all fat J-Witnesses,

Colonialave.

Blog Jesus answers:

Well, I was sort of involved. I entered his thoughts and told him that his daughter had cancer and he was flipping me off as a result. You just happened to be standing nearby. I'll make sure the next one is directed at you though.

Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was flipping through the channels just now and came across "Oh God" the movie. Why is your dad so hung up with John Denver? Is it the hair? And why has everyone from that movie died?

Blog Jesus answers:

Have you heard "Leaving on a Jet Plane"?

No, not everyone has died. George Burns is alive and well and living his dream of running a whore house in Alaska.

Fuck off states:

Dear Blog Jesus,Like always, I am going to have to disagree with you. Lab Boy is not mildly retarded, in fact, he is 100% full blown retarded. Also, you are gay.

Blog Jesus answers:

Newbies this is fuck off - he doesn't like me that much and comes by now and then to remind me I am gay. He's an asset to the corporation and treat him with respect.

Trish asks:

Where is Elvis???

Blog Jesus answers:

Buried in Graceland. I hate to break it to you, but the fat fuck died on the toilet.

Digitalicat asks:

Dear Big J,

Last night I had this dream. I was talking and canoodling with a beautiful woman. And then Vin Diesel beat me up.

What does this mean?

Blog Jesus answers:

You really want big, bald women whose head resembles a penis.

Sandi asks:

When are you going to start smiting the government officials?

Should I stop waiting on you and just do it myself?

Blog Jesus answers:

The only way this blog will survive is if people remain cynical. Therefore, political ineptness must thrive so I won't be smiting any politicos any time soon.

You can go ahead though. I can stand to lose another reader to prison.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I was behind a car with the bumper sticker that instructed me to "Do not drive faster than angels can fly". How fast do angels fly, and what does my driving have to do with angels flying?

Blog Jesus answers:

Angels can clear mach 4 with ease.

Absolutely nothing. That there Christian bumper sticker maker got himself some good meth.

Grend31 asks:

Your Most Holy Bloggerness,

What's really in holy water that makes it so special?

Yours waiting to be wetted,

Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

Kitten blood, which, if you didn't know, is clear like water.

Swayer asks:

What will it take to make my annoying neighbor shut up?

STP

Blog Jesus answers:

A cane, three crayons, and seven midgets.

Jess asks:

Why are agents such bitches?

Blog Jesus answers:

They answer to bitches and do all in their power to get bitches what they want. They don't know any other way to be.

G.D. asks:

Now that Bush took the fall for HuKa, what else is there?

Should I even go on??

Blog Jesus answers:

Two words: President Frist.

End it now before those two words take over.

___________________________________________________________

I am responsible for writing something here.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 131

2005-09-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur asks:

You can definitely have some of the firemen videos. We keep taking more and more... you know so its perfect.

So if you're behind me why don't I see you when I look in the mirror? Where do you go then?

Blog Jesus answers:

You know that cramming feeling you get in your ass when you look in a mirror . . . that's me.

Swayer asks:

Dearest Blog Jesus,

1) Is there cake in the promise land?

2) Why doesn't Lab Boy realize that my offering of Star Wars stickers is just a conversation starter? I know he loves Star Wars, but he doesn't seem to understand that I also love him (not as much as cake though). And more importantly, why does he keep calling me Sunshine?

Sincerly,

Swayer The Player

Blog Jesus answers:

1) There is a puke load of cake.

2) The answer to both of your questions is that he is mildly retarded.

Colonialave asks:

Dear B.Jeezus,

So - my good friend Digitalicat asked said this on my comments today:

Lee-lo Dallas, Multipass

Tell me what it means so I can respond to him correctly.

Lift us up,

Colonialave.

Blog Jesus answers:

He's giving you all the information you need to make that rash go away.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Aside from my fascination with cake, my favorite food is hot burritos from "Chipotle", a restaurant chain run by the folks from McDonald's... How did they get so good at cooking Mexican food?

In Him All Things Are Equal,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Ronald McDonald is an illegal immigrant. This explains why he is always in make-up.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why didn't you just go in for the kill with that perfectly set-up cock-in-the-mayo question the other day?

Blog Jesus answers:

That joke is precious and should only be used sparingly and I forgot . . .

Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was driving home from work the other day when I noticed a bumper sticker on an old Datsun pickup truck. It said the old familiar "WWJD". But then I began to wonder...

What would you do?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would've told that cock in the mayo jar joke.

Rabbit asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Will participating in HNT damn me to hell?

Blog Jesus answers:

Merely thinking about writing something on this blog destines you to hell so don't worry.

Audioholic asks:

Dear BJ,

will I get ahead in life by relying solely on my amazingly good looks? And if not, does having a 9” penis help?

Yours unfaithfully,

AH

Blog Jesus answers:

You won't get ahead in life due to your looks thanks to a angry mate with some wicked knife handling skills. That cock be around long either after that day.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

sugafree gave me an idea- what would your bumper sticker say? WWID?

Blog Jesus answers:

It actually says "Fuck Me if You're Horny."

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus,

Why me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Think about January 8, 2001 and that will explain it all.

____________________________________________________

Is it Tuesday yet?

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 130

2005-09-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur asks:

I might be able to arrange video. However its going to be a while before she is done school and able to support me so I hope you don't mind waiting.

I seem to have lost you again. Where do you go when I can't see you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Then I need some of your fireman videos to subside me.

I am behind you. I don't go anywhere - I am just ninja stealthy.

BMK asks:

BJ,

Will my money troubles come to an end or should I just get used to the financial rapings that seem to be occuring more regularly?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would love to say that you don't have to lie down and take it anymore, but I can't. Don't worry you'll lose those limbs in the bus accident soon enough and be flush with cash.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you do something just to make sure i pass the bar? Because you know, I could use the luck on my side...

Blog Jesus answers:

I can move you to New Orleans where a good percentage of the bars are closed or underwater - that should keep you sober.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,I can let go... Honestly. It's just hard to do so. Those hips. Those eyes... Mmmmm... Yes. Anyway, my question is:

Is it safe to buy a new home now, or wait until I get my MPH (Master of Public Health, not the author of such blogs as "Heightened Thoughts" or "Ask Blog Jesus"... I thought you were changing your name to "M"?) degree?

In him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

It is never safe to buy a home. There is always the constant threat of Ellen Degeneres stopping by with some watermelon.

Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was at Costco the other day and saw some dude buying a 5 gallon jar/bucket of mayonaisse. What on earth could be going on at that household to warrant such a purchase?

Blog Jesus answers:

The man suffers from extreme nipple dryness and a lot of mayo is the only cure.

Housekeeper asks:

If I'm in a room and fart and no one is there to hear it...did it really happen?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes and the stain on your underwear will be the proof.

Old Roses asks:

If Housekeeper is in a room and farts and no one is there to to smell it, did it really happen?

Blog Jesus answers:

Housekeeper is the king of trailer farts and so it will follow him out the room and effect millions.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus,

How do I tell if I died and was resurrected while I was asleep? Cos my wife still gets to keep my insurance payout since I died, right?

Blog Jesus answers:

You can't and it's great. I kill people and ressurrect them all the time for fun. The best part is that I take actual years off your life when I do it.
___________________________________________________

Gotta go piss on the dog.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 129

2005-09-08T12:16:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Laby Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Am I allergic to crystalized carbon? 'Cause I get violently sick when I see her wearing the rock.

In His Name I Pray Just To Make It Today,

Lab Boy

p.s. One could only wish she was a stripper.

Blog Jesus answers:

No you are not allergic you just have a problem with letting go. Find yourself a whore that looks like her and berate her for a bit (and a fee) and you will feel better.

Housekeeper asks:

BJ-

I heard someone say that an all crunch berry cereal was a sin...is that true, if so is the captain going to hell?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is not a sin. Eating Trix as an adult is a sin though. That shit is for kids fuckers.

Grend31 asks:

Dear Mister Saviour, Esq.,

A few of the chaps and myself would like this one settled for the record and for posterity. We've got lads in pointy hats saying one thing, and clothed gents of another breed saying yet another. Both in Your Name, of course.

So, once and for all, is it, or isn't it all right for me to wear one of those rubber things on the end of my John Thomas?

Yours with a rather latextual inquiry,Sir Brigadiere General Grend31, Mrs.

Blog Jesus answers:

No you should be wearing a chain mail device on your John Thomas.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I woke up today with a slap mark on my face. What happened?

Blog Jesus answers:

You played grab ass with a guy that was to weak to actually punch you.

J.U. asks:

What do you think of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Is it blasphemy to think His Noodly Appendages created all in this world?

Blog Jesus answers:

He's an ugly drunk and he lies a lot. No one created shit - an atom just farted and poof here we are.

Danikabur asks:

She prefers the sausage. Our marriage will only be consumated once (because it has to be). So can I share the firemen with her now?

Blog Jesus answers:

I will need the video of the consumation before making a ruling. It may take a lot of viewings and lotion to make a determination of her fireman worthiness.

_______________________________________________________

Too busy to say anything.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 128

2005-09-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Rabbit asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was born with a red cross in the middle of my forehead. What does the birthmark mean? Am I exempt from church?

Bless us, O Lord.

Blog Jesus answers:

It means that you are eligible to be hunted during deer season - especially when you don't go to church and even when you go to church.

Danikabur asks:

The stairs! Shit when did those get there.

So my friend agreed. We are going to be married. However I have to wait until she is done school so she can support me.

Am I allowed to share my firemen with her?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Your friend can't have any fireman love until she officially proclaims that she digs the muff or digs the sausage. It's not a sexual orientation thing - I just need to figure out what to do with this girl's diving team I have on reserve.

G.D. asks:

Does it seem strange to you when I do that?

Blog Jesus answers:

Shitting on the sidewalk is a way to honor me in Buddapest, so no I don't find it strange at all.

Nain asks:

blog jesus,

are you a red wine or a white wine man? Does it even matter?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am a white wine man, but when I drink it I sing UB40's rendition of "Red, Red Wine"

Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are you really a vampire? I mean you drink blood, you're the undead etc. Whoever drinks your blood will have life everlasting, yadda yadda...

I just feel you're not being completely honest with us here. That cave was just doubling as a coffin, am I right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Wow are you really wrong. I am not a vampire. A vampire would not dig "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" so much and would also kill someone for asking such a stupid question. Check yourself, are you dead?

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Sorry I had to skip a day away from your everlasting presence, but I had an issue over some cake to resolve... Spoony cake, at that. At any rate, my question is this:

If Sunshine comes over and offers me some Star Wars stickers, am I supposed to not feel a bit led-on? Or am I reading too much into it?

In his name,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

If a stripper named Sunshine came over and offered me some stickers I would probably wonder who she cut to get them and how I can get her felon ass out of my place.

Footprints asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If you are sucking face next to a breastfeeding woman and a man farts, is anyone really in the wrong??

Blog Jesus answers:

Only the person that doesn't pitch that concept for a TV show.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

It's been a long day. Could you switch off the light please.

Blog Jesus answers:

How about I break the light and use the shards of glass to cut your ass until you get up and turn off the light yourself. Sure the light will already be off because it is broken, but at least your dumbass will learn to turn the light off before crashing.

Grend31 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are you considering updating your image or do you plan on going indefinitely with the hippee thing?

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

I tried shaving my head and hanging out with a bunch of white guys to look cool but then I got beat by a gang of black men and decided that the hippie look ain't so bad.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

do i look better like this.......

or like this?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hang on . . . okay now stick your tongue out . . . you look better like that.

________________________________________________________

Kanye West hates people who don't buy his CD's too.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 127

2005-09-06T10:21:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are the squirrels really plotting world domination? The Ouija Board says "Yes," the Eight Ball says it's possible, and Miss Cleo hung up.

Since you are Blog Jesus, the all mighty advice giver online, what's your opinion on this question?

Blog Jesus answers:

The squirrels are planning on taking over the world, but first we have to survive the invasion of the robot/alien hybrids.

Sylvana asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is George W. Bush always laughing inappropriately?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is the only way he can not shit himself when he says something stupid.

The Jobey asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

In the movie Road House, does Patrick Swayze's character rip out the guy's throat who blew up Emmett's house? I say he just crushed it, but my jackass friend insists he ripped it out.

Blog Jesus answers:

He crushed it in the most girly way possible then he backed Baby into a corner just because he was a murderous high.

Grend31 asks:

Dear Mr. Christ,

Would that piece of halibut have been good enough for Jehovah?

Yours ever looking on the bright side of life,

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

No it was a little gamey.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Can we like go back in time to when Clinton was getting blow jobs and Bush was an alcoholic? I kinda miss those times.

Blog Jesus answers:

Trust me, Americans are petty enough that sooner or later all we will be talking about is rummy, blow job loving presidents.

Swayer asks:

Deal Blog Jesus,

How much longer until the Great Cake Revolution? Will I need to provide my own fork?

Blog Jesus answers:

Forty-three days and five hours from now. You eat this cake with a spoon.

__________________________________________________________

Mmmmmm . . . spoony cake.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Labor Day Edition

2005-09-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

HFB asks:

I beat Lab Boy to the first comment. Will this come back to bite me on the ass?

Also, why do people have to be so damn stupid? I mean, really.

Blog Jesus answers:

Probably - he doesn't have much to live for and if you take it away from him the ass biting begins.

So I can make light of dying in a hurricane and/or flooding.

Danikabur states:

Thank you very much! Those guys are great to play with but I'd like one to have a relationship with.

Nevermind I changed my mind I'll just get together with my girl friend for lovin and keep the men for the pleasure.

Thanks blog jesus you always look out for me! (BTW I think I lost you.. could you please let me know where to find you again.. I got distracted)

Blog Jesus answers:

First, lesbianism - excellent choice.

Second, look to the right and up the staircase.

Marriedman asks:

Dear Blogger of Bloggers:

My wife has decided that my "dick is much to small for her loose ass pussy", does that give me the freedom to fuck whomever I please as long as they are tight (i.e. highschool girls)?

Also, is this helmet really protecting me? Or does it just make me look slammin?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think it means you need to find a good divorce attorney who also defends child molesters.

I think the helmet may be doing too good of a job protecting you. Take it off and ride in traffic for a bit.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

do you have any idea where i left my keys?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think they flew off the bed after the third dictating session. Try looking in the plant.

Mandolin asks:

Dear B.J

If I pimp your blog, do I get to wear my sexy blog pimpin' outfit? If so, black leather or black silk?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, you get to wear the outfit. I would go with silk.

Old Roses asks:

If Lab Boy is the new Kris, does that mean we can't ask questions about him?

Blog Jesus answers:

That is permissible at this time. Abuse the privilege and get a beating.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Why the hatin'? Would you be more supportive of me being your fan if I were of the female persuasion? Also, with marriedman and his wife... Is it basically like throwing a hot dog into a hallway?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I decided I needed someone to pick on and I drew your name for a hat. It's all the fault of chance.

I would still give you a hard time if you were a gal because of that orange hat.

No one should speak of hot dogs in such a vile manner.

G.D. asks:

Yo BJ,

Do you believe in reincarnation? If so, have we dated? Where you the one with the who-ha with no wha-whas?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. Reincarnation exists. You were a shit beetle in your prior life.

We have never dated, but I would like a tape of you and the wha-wha less dude boning to add to my real fucking exotic collection.

James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What would happen if I stuck a waffle in my VCR and hit play? Also, do you think it's possibe that you were Ben Affleck in a past life?

Blog Jesus answers:

You would see a lot of nasty syrup shots to the face.

Nope. I was his assistant and I was allowed to listen to him knock up the Garner while standing outside his door.

Duff asks again:

dear blog jesus~

never mind- i found them.

strangely enough, the key to my apartment seems to be missing. mind if i start sleeping at the office?

Blog Jesus answers:

I knew they were in the plant.

Actually, just come back to my place. You may have to deal with Danikabur "stalking" me very hard every now and then, but you can join in if you want.

The Snakehead asks:

Hey there sexy,

what you doing?

Blog Jesus answers:

Answering your question.

Colonialave asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

My boss is being an asshole. I think his wife isn't giving him any. Could you hook him up so I don't have to deal with his shit?

Lift us up,

Colonialave

Blog Jesus answers:

I have sent the displace frat guys to his house. He'll get more than his share.

___________________________________________________________

Labor pains begin anew.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 125

2005-09-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Why is Samuel L. Jackson in every movie? And will I turn into the Samuel L. Jackson of the questions asked to you?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Samuel L. Jackson is and forever will be cool and is also a greedy motherfucker, hence he's in a lot of movies.

You may be greedy, but you're not cool, so that title will never be bestowed upon you.

Sandi asks:

Do you care that I don't care about New Orleans?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have never cared for you in the first place so why would I care that you don't care about something.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

Does it scare you that Lab Boy always has the first comment?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not at all. I know he is far enough was from Blog Jesus HQ not to do any real damage so I am alright with him anxiously waiting by the computer to be the first to ask a question.

G.D. states:

I put 20 on 3 weeks. Lab Boy will lose it in 3 weeks.

Blog Jesus responds:

Your bet is noted.

Danikabur asks:

Kung Fu Fighters = bad to date. Noted. Thanks blog jesus.

Any help on sending another non kung fu guys to me?

Blog Jesus answers:

My oh my are you a little cock loving fool. I've already given you firefighters and parapalegic studs and you just want more. All I got right now is some frat guys from New Orleans whose house was washed away. One of them knows how to cook . . . sort of.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I want to be a rap artist but in a non English language. How do you feel about Aramaic?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would be fine with it if it were actually a language. Mel Gibson just made that shit up for his movie.

_________________________________________________________

I labor on Labor Day, so I will be around to answer your questions.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 124

2005-09-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I have some extra cash. Should I send it to the Red Cross, or just keep it and donate an equal value amount of blood?Also, have I made it that obvious that I like women and the cake they come with?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would do neither. First off, sell your plasma for some extra dough. The, I suggest going to Wal Mart and buy a gun and plenty of bullets with the plasma cash and the money you already had. Drive to New Orleans and had the gun to a cop so that he can shoot the dumbfucks that are many a horrible situation worse.

Pops asks:

Beej,

I'm a little squeamish about giving blood, but I do have four buckets of fresh semen I could donate. The buckets dangle on hooks over doorways down the hallway here. Just to be clear, it's not my semen. That would be gross. It all just sort of came with the house.

So... Red Cross, right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually you need to get a copter, fly to New Orleans with the buckets of jizz and drop them over the disco roofs that all the whores are stranded on. It's been days since they got some and that should tide them over for a bit.

Grend31 asks:

Dear Son of a Jehovah,

I use your name occasionally in, well, less than couth fashion. I am now asking not for your forgiveness, but instead permission to use it in this manner. It'd just be a lot easier that way.

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

If you add a "fucking" in there every now and then while using it in a less than couth fashion then you're golden.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Would using your name in a 'less than couth' fashion be something like "elbows OFF the BlogJesus table!" ?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. You really need to kill your kids - they are making you lose your edge.

Mateos Gagos asks:

I have a question, is that really your pic on your profile? It's hot whether it's you or not.

Blog Jesus answers:

That is Mark "fucking" Harmon in that there picture. I am not Mark Harmon, but I will agree in the most manly way possible that the picture is hot.

Danikabur asks:

Why do I always get the weird guys where its all cryptic on what the hell is going on?

Blog Jesus answers:

When you date kung fu fighters can you really expect anything else?

The Jobey asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are those guys with the "Jesus Could Save You From Hell" signs on campus just trying to get me to sign up for a credit card like everyone else?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually they are trying to sign you up for a new Bible which is much more evil because those fuckers don't fit in wallets.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

When will I earn enough to have a dungeon of my own?

Blog Jesus answers:

Why bother with earning anything. Just marry rich and use her money to secretly build the dungeon.

Becca asks:

I ordered a comforter from overstock.com, but the online tracking isn't quite working. Can you locate my package in transit? Even better, can you ask Scotty to beam it to me?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is currently in New Orleans and you're not going to like what's on it.

Unfortunately Scotty died recently and in a fit of senile rage he ate the only instruction manual to the teleporter so you're SOL.

Marriedman asks:

Our dearest blord,

With my life slipping through my fingers at a rate that I can't seem to stop. I need to know, am I going to hell for my blog? Are you punishing me for my material?

Also, is it just me or does Lab Boy look like Fred Durst?

Oh, yeah. This whole last supper thing, can I just eat of the floor?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not punishing you for shit. You are going to hell though.

That sir is just wrong.

Sure - more room for me.

____________________________________________________

I believe Lab Boy is the new Kris. Start placing bets on how fast it takes him to go insane.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 123

2005-08-31T16:52:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

If a cat chokes on the mouse he tried to swallow, who killed whom? And will I ever master the fine art of asking meaningful questions?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I will never give a rodent credit for anything so the cat killed the mouse but was stupid about doing it.

Not until well after you learn to tie your shoes.

Sandi asks:

Thanks for the good luck when I went out spider hunting. I have found out that not only is my spider female she is also a rare breed woth a fair amount of money. I don't like the name of the breed though, Mexican Golden Redrump, can you come up with something more fitting for a medium sized tarantula?She has really big fangs, if that helps.

Blog Jesus answers:

How's Spanked Ass Killer Bitch sound?

Grend31 asks:

Sweet Jesus,

When Cthulhu awakens from his long slumber, what will be your first question for him?

fhtagn,

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

What I ask everyone - Does the cuffs match the collar.

Marriedman asks:

Dear J-to-the-ezzo,

Why is it that every time I ask the bagger at the supermarket if she could put some cream on my corn she gets angry?

Also, was that lab boy in my lawn last night tossing digi's salad? And if so, how come he (digi) hasn't told us about it yet?

chronologically yours, marriedman

Blog Jesus answers:

She must be a strict meat eater. Next time ask her if you can pour gravy on her mashed potato.

It was not Lab Boy. The kid is basically a whore, but not that kind of whore.

Holly asks:

Where the fuck is my favorite t-shirt? I've torn my house apart looking for it.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's in the tree in your front your - a victim of your lets do it doggy style on the roof idea.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

If bottled water contains nothing but pure water how come it has an expiration date? You think Satan has something to do with this?

Blog Jesus answers:

That's actually my idea. People don't notice much, but they do catch expiration dates. By adding them onto bottled water I convince people to drink quickly and buy more. It is one of the many reasons I have enough money to own you right now.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Jesus, is Lab Boy EVER gonna get laid?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think it's up to you to put the boy out of his misery.

____________________________________________________

Should I stop printing those Saints to the Super Bowl shirts?

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 122

2005-08-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Am I the Master or the Apprentice? And do I have to wear the leather chaps?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Depends on the subject. You're a master at wearing an orange hat and only looking half ass goofy. You're also a master at falling for mulitple chicks at once. When it comes to asking me informed questions you're an apprentice. You also can't grow grapes for shit so you're an apprentice there too.

Yes. It is the only way to avoid chafing when you boink that rubgy girl.

Satan asks:

Jesarse,

I don't care how hot your damnable secretary is, I never rang about lunch. I said Punch you poor excuse for a sex-aidministration worker. Anyway, I'll punch your lights out at 4pm, I'm getting my legs waxed earlier.

Oh yeah, that friggin question thing... ah where's my pen?

PS. You're right about kiddies TV hosts but you've got to admit Mr Rogers is definately one of mine.

Blog Jesus answers:

Hey now, lay off the Duff. You speak broken English at best and it is understandable that she may not understand your retarded sounding words. See you at 4:00 p.m.

Check your ass.

I will give your Mr. Rogers as long as you admit I get Levar Burton pre and post mustache.

Sandi asks:

If Satan is going to Punch you, can you sell tickets? I would love to get a front row seat to take close up pictures. Naturally I would offer you 40% of the profit from print sales.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's not like he's going to donkey punch me or something to that effect so there is need to sell tickets. I will take 40% of your money though.

J.U. asks:

Blog Jesus,

What's the real meaning to life and the Universe? I've heard it's God, it's religion, it's the number 42. Or is there no actual meaning to the Universe and this is all some twisted joke?

J.U.

Blog Jesus answers:

There is no real meaning to anything - people that commit suicide get that. Not that I am saying commit suicide (though do what you want), but admit it - a bullet to the brain is better than a debating evolution and intelligent design.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Since you are all knowing how come you don't win the lottery every week? And can you cut me in a little piece of that action? I do have a lot of student loans, you know...

Blog Jesus answers:

I got unicorn gold and viable dinosaur eggs so I don't need to even buy a lotto ticket. Plus, if I were to win the lottery then how would all them white trash folk pay all those strippers?

Grend31 asks:

Dear BJ,

Are you at all uncomfortable having those initials?

And doesn't that prickly crown get on your nerves?

Yours ever inquisitively,

-grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope, I don't think of the initials in that way. I prefer to recall the great television show "B.J. and the Bear" and hum it's theme song.

I only wear that crown when I am getting beaten and the German chick that usually does that for me is on vacation this week.

Pops asks:

Beej,

I've taken up cigarette smoking in order to wean myself off my crippling addiction to Nicorette gum. I'm off the gum, but I'm up to seven packs a day smoking. Since I'm all about doing things 100%, I'm worried that there aren't enough hours per day to increase my cigarette consumption significantly. Any suggestions?

Blog Jesus answers:

Get a hole cut into your throat big enough to stick a cigarette in there. Insert - light - inhale. While you're doing that smoke to the regular way and bask in the mass consumption.

G.D. asks:

How do these look on me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Face it woman, you're too slutty looking to pull off ruby slippers - give them back.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

Do you get tired of the long running jokes in the questions?

Blog Jesus answers:

No . . . every word is a gift and if that means hearing the same ones over and over again so be it. I also take a lot of drugs.

Mother Dear states:

MPH, this blogiste has been nominated by at least one of your peers for Best Comedic Blogsite on The Order Of Brilliant Bloggers.Please feel free to visit and vote by September 5th at http://mdskidsrbrilliant.blogspot.com!!! And congratulations!!!

Blog Jesus responds:

There is so much wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin . . . okay, now I know where:

1) I have no peers.

2) There is no such thing as a brillant blogger

3) Comedic? Since when is helping people funny?

4) No mention of whores.

Pops asks again:

Beej,

A second question: Does it bother you to know that my blog has been nominated against yours for... whatever that thing is that guy said about the nomination thing, which means that you are going to go down and go down hard?

There's an outside chance The Hot Librarian might sneak in and steal it, but I think it's down to you or me, bitch. Prepare your ass for the kicking.

Blog Jesus answers again:

Again, I would only be bothered if I knew that whores were part of the prize package. They are not so I could give a rat's ass.

The Hot Librarian is going to kick both of our asses anyway.
__________________________________________________

Despite the objections mentioned above please vote for me. I want to give an expletive filled acceptance speech.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 121

2005-08-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

You know, this is a pretty sweet scam you've got going here, Blog Jesus. The flock is growing, the love is flowing and everyone's happy. But this little web-based help desk is outgrowing it's roots, and there's more potential here that I think you might want to exploit.

Now that the customer base has gotten used to coming to you as their only source of Truth and Good, it's time to nudge them, don't you think, Blog Jesus, into the next step.

Picture if you will, the Blog Jesus Gold Account: personalized, private email assistance with the lifestyle and philosophical issues that concern you. How much would you pay for this virtual hotline to your Blog Savior?

Don't answer that (you might say in your infomercial) because if you call in the next ten minutes, your Blog Jesus Gold Account can be activated instantly and you will receive ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE a Blog Jesus Gold membership certificate and one free month of BJ Gold service! No need to make up a stupid alias because your question to Blog Jesus is too personal or embarrassing and you don't want your mom or boyfriend to read it. Because you will be in direct confidential communion with The Lord Blog Jesus himself!

And the best part is that your new Blog Jesus Gold Account, a 550-dollar value, will be yours for just three easy payments of $183.33! Leave the common trash behind on the web, and step up to the level of respect, service and dignity that you deserve: Blog Jesus Gold.

Call tonight: (800) BJ-GOLD1.

Then, Blog Jesus, you can turn this web site over to a call center in Bangladesh, sit back with the Russian whores and absinthe as the cashola rolls in, and watch "Alias" reruns.

What do you think, Blog Jesus?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pure genius sir - though there are a couple of flaws. It should only be one day of free service. And people should only be given a Silver certificate then forced to pay $25.00 to upgrade to Gold.

Also, consider yourself my new Hype Man.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Ok, so I did what you said and he's put me out of the firewall, but now I feel sorry for him with all those cuts in hard to reach places...should I give him some Neosporin?

Blog Jesus answers:

No - you should be pouring pickle juice on the son of bitch.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Since you are omniscient and all, can you please tell me what Larry was doing standing on those train tracks waving like crazy?

Also I have a confession to make. I stole some of your stuff and posted it on my website. But it was all for a good cause, to welcome more sinners into your fold. Am I still invited to the last supper?

And speaking of the last supper, can we have frog legs or would it be too French?

Blog Jesus answers:

He just forgot to take his meds that day. He usually can be found waving like crazy in the middle of rush hour traffic.

Pimping my blog can only get you a better seat at the Last Supper (hint, hint disciples)

My mad love for Kermit the Frog prevents such a thing from being on the menu.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Do you like spam? 'Cause it just finds your blog so loving... At any rate, my question is: Met a girl, like the girl, four day weekend coming up, any suggestions? No... She doesn't play rugby.

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

With a four day weekend you'll definitely want to handcuff her to the bed rather than just tie her to it. By day two she'll have loosened those knots.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Will you stand by me?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as I am not the Wil Wheaton of the group.

Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What is it about children's programming that makes all the guys in them so femme? Is it satan? Or is that you?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's me. I have a lot of fun with that. You see, those femme children's programming guys are the basis for each and every man questioning their sexuality in high school then getting depressed for a few days. Your tears of pain are my tears of joy.

La asks:

Dear Blog-J,

As you newly appointed Sex Correspondent, I have taken the liberty of writing a 'Sexual Mandate' for your review.

http://lanaked.blogspot.com/2005/08/sexual-mandate.html

Any additional words of advice? Oh, and if you don't hear from me for few days . . .well, you know, its because I'll be busy satisfying, I mean, fulfilling my holy mission: having a fucking good time.

AMEN!

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't have a clue what you wrote, but those breasts sure were dandy.

Mandolin asks:

No matter how hard I try, the only thing I think of when I hear the word "Spam" is Monty Python.

Why do I sunburn so damn easily? Also, why do I bother to go ouside if I know it will happen? Do they even have a SPF 400 sunblock?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would be talking to the albino milkman that your mom made time with to answer the first question.

The albino also wasn't too bright - again ask him.

Nope - all a scam.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

satan called. are you still available for a lunch date with him this thursday- around 2:00?

also, your pen's out of ink again.

Blog Jesus answers:

Eh, bump it to 2:30 p.m.

It's not out of ink, it's just tired - try it at a different angle.

Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When I moved into this house ten years ago, the next door neighbors had 7 large dogs. Every year thereafter, they had 7 different large dogs each year. No explanation was ever offered as to what happened to the dogs every year. I've always assumed that they ate them.

The past few years I have noticed that they only have 6 dogs each year and they are always of the small variety.

Does this mean they have gone on a diet?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually, they are smaller because we do not heed the advice of the Barker and castrate our animals. Because there are some many of those fuckers out there, the food gets taken quickly - hence smaller dogs.

Chuys asks:

Blog Jesus, are you the son of god? Coz god signed my guestbook on my blog!

Blog Jesus answers:

That signature is a fake. God is too doped up on speedballs to remember how to sign his own name.

Danikabur asks:

Whoa there you are!!! So can you get my midget back? It wouldn't concern me much that he is gone except that he took the firemen with him and I could really use them. Thanks

Blog Jesus answers:

Midgets are a bitch to catch. How about I send you some functional parapalegic construction workers that, despite being bed ridden are still lift weights and have upper body tone.

G.D. asks:

Where can I buy a pair of those?

Blog Jesus answers:

Originally just New Orleans, but after this morning, I hear that are scattered all over the Gulf Coast.

Married Man asks:

I can't overstate the usefulness that I have found since discovering your site. I think that you should write a book, maybe you could call it the Blogble, or maybe Biblog. Either way, I'd definatley buy it.

Now on to my question.

Is it illegal to drink cat piss, or is it just illegal to drink it directly from the source? I need to clear this up before my court date next Thursday.

Thanks in advance for your insightful answer!

Oh, by the way. My rash wont go away, does it have something to do with sleeping with dead people?

Blog Jesus answers:

You can only drink cat piss legall if it is in a can. Though with Siamese cats you can drink it from the source if said source is declawed.

I think you have just been drinking the wrong cat's piss. Continue with the necro.

__________________________________________________

Uh . . . .

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 120

2005-08-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Ok, so I got the tech guy hostage, but the books don't seem to be doing the trick - any ideas?

Blog Jesus answers:

Paper cuts on the scrotum and paper clips to the retina.

Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who does your hair? I'd like some of the clippings to fashion a "holy pillow".

Blog Jesus answers:

I do my own hair because I am that often. If you want a holy pillow then I suggest just stealing one from a priest because I got my pillows properly broken in and will kill those that try and take my comfort away.

Sandi asks:

Everyone seems to be putting verifiers on their sites to stop the spammers. Are you going to do that also, or do you like the spammers?

Also, do you think I have a chance in hell of selling any of my photos to Birds and Blooms, or am I just wasting my emails?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not going to do so out of fear that that one of the odd combo of letters and numbers might be the one that will send me back into that tomb for eternity.

Just waisting them. Penthouse is probably your only taker right now.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

You know I have mad love for you, right? So, how's about you give me some lovin...cause...well.....sometimes a girl needs a deep dickin. :)

Shabbat Shalom!

Blog Jesus answers:

I will have to see if there is any more deep dickin' on the shelves. The lady disciples have been hard up as of late and it has been selling like hotcakes.

Grend31 asks:

My Dearest Lord Savior in His Righteous Blogdom,

I've been having a spot of trouble with my servant Smiggins. It seems he does not know how to fashion a proper martini. Is there any way you might bless him with this most holy of knowledge.

Yours truly in the spirit of finest digital worship,

Sir Brigadiere General Grend31, Mrs.

Blog Jesus answers:

Martinis are not a pedestrian drink. You can't have it plastic cups. I suggest geting a martini glass or two to put them in. Only then will your martinis be stylying and profiling.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blog J

Is eating eggs being pro-choice? I laid them myself.

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, eating eggs is being pro choice. You choose to eventually get high cholestorol and die just so you can eat chicken babies.

Danikabur asks:

Dear BJ (mmm BJ)

I've been trying to find you to stalk you but my midget ran away and now I'm lost. I just stole some kids computer so I could type this. Where ARE you!??!

Blog Jesus answers:

Look to your right . . . a little more . . . . too much . . . slightly left now. I'm right here.

_____________________________________________________

Frack.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 119

2005-08-25T16:17:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Marriedman asks:

Dearest Bloghova,

I need to know. Will I get fired from my job for blogging all day? Or will I get fired for wanting to waterbottlefist my manager's anus?

also, do you like Sean Connery?

Blog Jesus answers:

You will get reprimanded for blogging all day, then fired when you offer to water bottle your boss as penance.

It depends: Bond Connery - awesome. Untouchables Connery - fucking awesome. Forrester Connery - Shitty.

Nain asks:

Dear blog jesus,

my school put up this firewall thing and it really puts a damper on my blogging - how can I change this?

Blog Jesus answers:

Take a tech guy hostage and force him to destroy the firewall while you beat him with one your books.

Duff asks:

dear boss~

when will lab boy buy me an oreo mcflurry?

how many points would i have gotten for running over twelve canadian geese this morning?

what if i'd run over the "working girl" wearing fishnets and leather at two this afternoon?

also, someone named "steve" called- something about changing long distance carriers.....i told him you weren't interested.

Blog Jesus answers:

When he gets the balls to just do it rather than asking me if it is okay.

750 points

As long as it was not one of my working girls you would get 86 points. If it was one of my girls, then you get shit.

Good. Now if the guy says his name is Randolph, allow that one through - I like the powder he sells.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem

Do you prefer my left...or right breast?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am all about equality. They're both bitchin' in my book.

Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If I were to say, light my farts on fire, is that like asking Satan for his approval in some repressed way? And if so, am I damned?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but it is showing off and all show offs do is draw attention away from me. For that you would be damned.

Grend31 asks:

Sweet Jesus,

Do you really have the mad pogo stick skillz?

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

No, I have extremely mad pogo stick skills. Blog Jesus don't play that "z" shit.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

May I buy Duff, your very lovely secretary, a McFlurry if

A) She is in the DC area, or

B) I am in her neck of the woods?

And have you thought about franchising the "Blog Jesus" establishment? I'd be very interested in investing.

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Duff will be busy working for me, so if she is in D.C. she won't have time to stop for a McFlurry with you because she's gotta pick up bribe money.

You can come to her, but realize that you will have to feed it to her while she types my dictations.

I have enough trouble with people who think I am an affront to Christianity wanting to burn down my main HQ. I don't need to worry about franchises suffering the same problem.

Gawker asks:

Dear BJ

If one had a compulsive desire to wear nothing but a loin cloth in public, how would one refrain from repeatedly touching oneself inappropriately?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hire a whore and have her touch you inappropriately instead.

Eeky the Great asks:

How many fingers am I holding up??

Blog Jesus answers:

Seventeen.

_______________________________________________________

Frank Black. "Honeycomb." By it.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 118

2005-08-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Marriedman asks:

Dearest Blogsiah,

How did you know that I pictured my female manager with a penis....oh wait. You are omniscent.

Also, at night, when I'm all alone. I play with myself. When I wake up, my penis is gone and is replaced with the newest CHER cd. Is this some kind of trick you are playing?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope, it just means that you need to cage your dog or better yet, get a better lock for your detachable dick.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I bought this girl an Oreo McFlurry, and she said she was "satisfied" and made all sorts of noises as she ate it...Is that all it takes to satisfy women? How come I wasn't informed of this?!

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

No. The Oreo McFlurry worked for this chick, but it won't work for the next one. She'll be into crab meat or something. Each female has her own thing which she refuses to tell men that will satisfy her. You then have to spend a shitload of money to figure out what it is. It's their power and it makes them dreadfully evil.

Pops asks:

Beej,

How exactly can you "fist" someone with a water bottle? Is the whole point of fisting that you use your... you know... fist? If you used a water bottle, wouldn't it be called "water-bottling"? And if so, where is the a website or a chatroom devoted to water-bottling so I can check it out. You know, for research purposes.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually the whole point of fisting is to play punching bag with a woman's uterus.

As for water bottling sites, I would try "HaveaCokeandaSmile.com"

La asks:

Dear Blog-J,

Good point about not leaving a paper trail. But that raises another question:

If the subjects of my 'research' don't want to be videotaped, can I still have sex with them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes you can, but I will not pay for maternity leave in those cases.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Aren't you happy that the sexual deviants have found a home here? (I know I surely am. I mean, this is better than a goddamn Oreo McFlurry!)

Blog Jesus answers:

I am thrilled. It just means that Blogger will flag me sooner and I can retire earlier than expected.

Grend31 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Dude, people keep saying that you are going to have a second coming. Does this mean you really did score with Mary M. the first time?

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

I did more than score with her, I had sex with her.

________________________________________________________

Supplier of Pat Robertson's shrooms for ten years running.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 117

2005-08-23T16:26:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Marriedman asks:

Oh Holy Blogod,

Thanks for clearing up my mullet situation. But I do have another question:

Is it ok for me to think about my manager teabagging me while I fist her anus with a water bottle?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think the more interesting question is when you think of such a think you imagine that your female boss has a penis. Shrinks could have a field day with your ass.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Bright and early this time!

Q: Why the sudden interest in my sexual adventures (or lack thereof)?

And...Q2: Why the female rugby player? Why? Why? Oh, Jesus, WHYYYY!!!???

As Always, In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Admittedly, every one thinks the desperateness of the women you sleep with is hysterical.

You should ask your friend Jack Daniels about that. He's the one that's going to push you that way.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J,

I was wondering, when will you be inventing a new STD? The one's we have now really are kind of played out.

Blog Jesus answers:

I already got one out that is for kids only. Unfortunately the kids aren't fucking enough to create a real good outbreak. That's what I get for starting out on kindergarteners.

La asks:

Dear Blog-J,

Thank you for appointing me your sex correspondent. I hope to have a fucking good time in your name, as in:

"BLOG JESUS!! OH BLOG GOD!! YES, YES, THAT'S IT! RIGHT THERE"

Just so I know: Do I need to fill out any paperwork before I get started?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Given the stuff you're going to do, there really shouldn't be a paper trail.

G.D. asks:

Did you miss me motherfucker??

What did I miss??

Blog Jesus answers:

Yeah I sort of did - only when I was drunk and the lotion ran out though.

I have hired a new secretary (Duff), got a sex correspondent (see above), and I convinced Pops to follow his dream about abandoning his family and opening up a one man nude dance show across the street from a Krispy Kreme.

Satan asks:

Jesarse

Necro-Beastiality's a sin, who would have thunk it.

What if you use an electrified fire hose, rubber gloves and a couple of dead endangered turtles during fore-play with a barely alive Protester?

Oh, and -g.d and I didn't arrive together we just met at the door on the way in...

anyway, do you really fuck your mother?

Blog Jesus answers:

Who would've?

That is perfectly acceptable behavior.

Stop hiding, we've all did it anyway.

Nope - just mom's friends.

Sandi asks:

Is it wrong of me to enjoy my spider eating a snake?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if you're forcing the spider to be gay. If it is into it, then have a ball.

Grend31 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When do you anticipate running out of body and blood?

I mean, with all the people out there eating your body and drinking your blood, there must be a point where you are finally gobbled up and tapped out, right?

Wanting my fair share,

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

Never. That whole blood and body of Christ deal is a hoax. The goal of it actually is to get people just a bit drunk so they foolishly put more in the collection plate.

BMK asks:

BJ,

I know I'm sopposed to tithe but if I win the lottery I'm afraid that there will be smiting for not giving enough toward your mission. Am I correct or should I live by the motto that 'greed is good'?

BMK

Blog Jesus answers:

Live by that motto, but realize that what is means is that my greed is good. So fork over the dough.

Mandolin asks:

Dear B.J.

I'm sure Lab Boy would be better off with a cute red-head who can do yoga and enjoys "cake".

Will I ever find someone who can best me at Tetris?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am sure he would, but he's getting a sweaty female rugby player.

That would be me. I am the greatest ever.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

for once, i am questionless....but i'll try to make up for it with two tomorrow.

Blog Jesus answers:

Man, I give you a knew job and you fall short. Those questions better be good tomorrow.

_________________________________________________________

I have no problem with any countries that can give me a bunch of oil and sweet coke.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 116

2005-08-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem

What's the deal with pork? Why is it off limits?

Blog Jesus answers:

"Lord of the Flies" had a deep impact on me . . . I felt sorry for the boar.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

how would you like me to deal with all the heavy breathing on the other end of your phone line? should i attempt to get the caller's names, or just start recording the calls for you to identify?

also, should we hold off on the mud-wrestling until digi gets back from vacation? i mean, i'm fine with wrestling whenever, but i was sort of hoping to pin him during the second round.

Blog Jesus answers:

Normally that heavy breathing will just be me, so ignore it completely.

I don't really want to hold off on the match any longer, but I tell you what - you can have a match against Digitalicat next week regardless of whether you win or lose.

Larry asks:

Do you love Saturday and Sunday bunches, or Saturday and Sunday brunches?

Blog Jesus answers:

I love Saturday and Sunday bunches. I am never up early enough to enjoy a Saturday or Sunday brunch.

Married Man asks:

Dearest Blog J-diddy,

Is it wrong for me to be totally turned on by your glorious profile picture?

Also, does this mullet make me look fat?

Blog Jesus answers:

If being infatuated with Mark Harmon is wrong, then I never want to be right.

It's not so much the mullet as it the perm you have given the mullet that makes you look fat.

Johnny Menace asks:

aiyo biggie j,

when will gas prices go down?

Blog Jesus answers:

When we figure out how to make puppy juice keep an engine running.

Voodoo asks:

hey beeg,

I would really like to slaughter my husband's ex-skank whore of a wife. But, I realize this might not be a good thing for my step-son (who really is my son since he lives with us full time and I raise him like my own.) Anyway... How would you go about making her realize how important it is for her to be more than a weekly phone call or monthly trip to target for a toy? Unless, you could just go ahead and send her nasty ass to hell right now. That would make it much easier on us. It is easier to explain away death to a 7 year old, than it is why his mother is such a piece of shit.

Thanks in advance.

Blog Jesus answers:

I got a better idea than killing her. We're going to clone the boy multiple times over and mail him to skank whore to remind her of the boy until she gets it. If she doesn't then I will eventually make the clones eviler and eviler.

Paddy asks:

My friend only drinks cocktails with fruit and umbrellas in them. Does that make him gay? Or is it having sex with other men that makes him gay? Just askin'.

Blog Jesus answers:

The drinks definitely makes him gay. I would be willing to chalk the man love to experimentation, but the drinks do your friend in.

Paddy states:

And it wasn't me he had sex with. For sure not me. Well, really it was a college thing, just experimentation. You know, finding myself and all that. And I think a little umbrella got stuck in my brain somewhere, and that affected my judgement, which is normally very manly. And very hetero. Okay, I've gotta go wash my big truck. And drink beer.

Blog Jesus responds:

Most flaming denial . . . ever.

Carol asks:

Dear Jog Blesus,

How can I make my parents realize that Aol instant Messenger will not kill our computer?

Blog Jesus answers:

Ever since your parents saw Yahoo! Messenger kill the cat, I don't think anyone could convince them to trust an IM again.

La asks:

Dear Blog-J,

I'm suspicious of paddy's claim of being hetero.

Can you arrange it so that I can have sex with him . .you know just to make sure he isn't lying to you about this . .

I'll be happy to report my findings.

Blog Jesus answers:

Sure. From now on La, you can be my sex correspondent. Travel the glode and have a fucking good time. Just get a lot of video.

Housekeeper asks:

Dear Blog Jesus-

Is my priest breaking his vow of celibacy by appearing in my sex dreams?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. He's breaking his vow of celibacy by making you think what you're doing is only a dream.

Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it a sin to have sex with dead animals? I mean, no one is hurting anyone, and if the act brings someone joy, where's the harm?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes it is a sin. But feel free to start doing it. Your merely thinking of it destined you to hell so live it up with the dead.

Pops asks:

Beej,

All this talk of sexual deviancy makes me think of my greatest wish, to meet Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) and then have crazy, crazy sex with him. Can you set up the meeting?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. I can stomach a lot of things, but Blog Jethro-Santorum love is not one of them.

The Snakehead asks:

Bloggesus,

I was gone for a week. Did you miss me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yea-no.

Sandi asks:

Is it okay with you if I kill the nasty skanky hoes I work with? Or should I just seal them in air tight bags and send them to you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nasty skanky hoes are worthless to me if they suffocate mid-shipment. If you're willing to let them breath I am sure I could use them. Someone is going to have kill animals to keep Sugarfree happy.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who will Lab Boy want to have sex with this week?

Blog Jesus answers:

Unfortunately I see a really drunken night and a female rugby player in his near future.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Last minute... Sorry. One night stands, yay or nay?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I prefer two night stands. That way you can have two lamps near your bed and that allows for more reading light.

_____________________________________________________

Lawrence Phillips you one crazy bitch.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 115

2005-08-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Sprocket and Spokes declares:

great blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Blog Jesus answers:

Coming from someone that puts a period after exclamation marks - that means something to me.

La asks:

Dear Blog-J,

I notice that my blog is linked to yours. I'm honored.

I've added a second blog to write about the 'darker side' of my life . .any advice?

Blog Jesus answers:

I find that when I am talking about carousing at the very least, and fornicating at most with African Americans it is best not to use the N-word at any time.

Sandi asks:

No one likes my new pet :( What can I do to make people understand that spiders won't hurt a person on purpose?

Blog Jesus answers:

Stab them in the chest and explain how that is an intentional act and a spider is incapable of having such thought therefore any biting would be the result of purely mindless activity rather than purposeful.

Grend13 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you currrently have any openings for any entry-level internet messiahs? My current place of employ has pretty much exhausted my patience.

Waiting Hopefully for Your Divine Interviewing Rapture,

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

Well Duff just got hired on as my new secretary so not really. However, the guys that rent my basement from time to time say they are always in the market for a new fluffer. Something about open sores ruining the moment . . .

Danikabur asks:

Jesus DUDE

When does the mudwrestling match start? I'm very excited. Can I make Duff MINE if she loses the match?

Blog Jesus answers:

The match will start as soon as I determine you both are properly oiled.

No you can't make Duff yours. I will allow you to stalk her though, since she is my new secretary.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is Sandi completely insane? Doesn't she know that spiders are evil, evil creatures that suck your soul while you sleep?

Blog Jesus answers:

First off, Sandi is not insane. She was just dropped on her head too many times as a child.

Secondly, you're wrong about the spiders. It's women that suck your soul out while you sleep.

Jess asks:

BJ:

Yeah, I'm back. Don't tear up; I know you missed me.

Are weekends really important or are we just conditioned to believe that they mean something to our sanity?

Blog Jesus answers:

The weekends are important to me. I have conditioned many of you that you need to blow off steam during the weekends. Since you're morally repugnant, that means buying my whores, drugs, and slave labor. I make a ton of cash on the weekends and love Saturday and Sunday bunches.

Carol asks:

How can I be sure that my teachers this year will like me? Is an apple enough, or should I spring for a big basket of chocolates?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sadly Carol, the modern teacher cares not for apples and chocolates . . . no, the modern teacher only wants the ass.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Last minute. I know. My apologies. My rather young apprentice is off to college... Should I warn him of the consequences of drinking and partying, or let him discover it on hiw own, like I did before him?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't tell him. He needs to learn on his own. And don't worry, it's rare for people that know each other to get sodomized in a shower by the rugby team in the first weeks of college. Your pain is his gain.

_______________________________________________________

LOUD NOISES!!!!

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 114

2005-08-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Inside Brad's Mind asks:

Blo_J,

I wasn't up-front in qualifying my first wife as a breeder... Any advice on how to ensure hot babes don't just put out, but, pop one out?

Brad.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's rather easy. Replace their birth control pills with roofies. Two birds - one stone.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Is a girl who is going to medical school, is extremely cute, will be about 90 miles from me, and whose family is loaded... Is she too out of my league for me to pursue? What is my league?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Face facts young man, clubbed footed, morbidly obese blind women are out of your league. That doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue her. People like me need comedy in their lives.

Swayer asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why isn't your spam filter turned on?

STP

Blog Jesus answers:

My door is open to everyone and everything. I also sometimes get really drunk and think the spam is the delicious edible kind. How can you not invite delicious spam into your home?

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem

Asshole didn't call. SO I beg thee....tell me....what is wrong with me? *sniffle*

Blog Jesus answers:

It's not you, it's the fact that you're in Cleveland. Even guys that live there have a hard time wanting to start a life in that God foresaken place.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When will the soccer madness end?

Blog Jesus answers:

When the wolverines eat Pele.

BMK asks:

BJ,

Will the renowned game of Cornhole be just a cult fan favorite of the Tri-State area or will it eventually make it to the Olympics as a bonafide sport?

Blog Jesus answers:

It will never make the Olympics - public sodomy went out of style after the first couple Olympiads.

Grend31 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who would win in a no-holds-barred extreme fighting cage match between you and Buddha?

Blood-lustily,

Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

Me hands down. He's a fat ass and I have enough skill to be able to kick him in the nards despite the fatty barrier blocking my way.

Danikabur asks:

WOW! Why are you so nice to me?

Also how long can I stay?

Blog Jesus answers:

Uh, you're hot . . . okay being a female pretty much enough.

As long as you remain hot . . . okay . . . remain a female.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you find me a nice trophy husband? That's all I really need, but I really don't have time to do that myself...

Blog Jesus answers:

Okay, go eastbound on Washington St. until you hit I-465. Go south on I-465 and exit on Southeastern Ave. Take that until you pass Brad's Show Club. Stop there and work you're normal shift. Then go next door to Arties Trophy Emporium - he's got trophy husbands out the ass.

Voodoo asks:

Hey BJ...what does MPH stand for?

:)

Blog Jesus answers:

Miles Per Hour

Satan asks:

Jesarse,

So, I strapped a 'Chinese three-striped box turtle' to my right hand and a 'Toad headed turtle' to my left. The battle was furious and I'm glad to say, although the turtles didn't make, I won the day. That horse has some of the most severe bruising I've ever seen. Good call.

What should I do about the plethora of wild-life conservationist that are camped outside chanting something about cruelty to horses and killing endangered turtles?

Blog Jesus answers:

Set up a fence around them - call it a freedom zone. Electrify that fence. Go up to your roof with a fire hose. Proceed to knock said conservationists into electric fence. Remember to wear rubber gloves and ground yourself.

________________________________________________________

Does anyone even say nards any more?

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 113

2005-08-17T16:11:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

USA vs. Trinidad & Tobago in World Cup 2006 qualifying Wednesday at 8:00 ET on ESPN2. I'm going to be the only one watching this, aren't I?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am sure some no account Latinos will steal a TV in time to watch it as well - you won't be alone.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I too will be watching the soccer games, but I will be wearing an actual soccer jersey, drinking beer, and screaming my lungs out...

The question is: Should I put all my money on T&T or on T&A?

In His Name,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Better yet, give all your money to me and just let me make the decision for you that way. I don't forsee any possible way that you won't get what you deserve for doing this.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Make the fucker call me already! I'm tired of waiting. Please?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pick up your phone right . . . . . . . . now.

Sandi asks:

I got a new pet, a Black Widow Spider, wanna see?

Better yet, wanna play with her?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sure, I'll play with it. You know that I am immune to all poisons right? The only thing that strikes me down is bad mayo.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is the fact that you knew the correct spelling for the Hammer song kind of sad?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but that is why I pray to make it today.

Swayer asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

In the event that Brent is purchased on the exotic animal webisite, can I then inherit his rockin orange chair?

Texas' newest player,

STP

Blog Jesus answers:

He's actually already given that to some Korean dude with no arms and legs. However, feel free to throw the gimp off the chair and take it. Remember to hose it down first.

BMK asks:

BJ,

Can you send some locusts to the financial aid office here in Cincinnati... please dont send plague along with the locust as I need those bastards alive to give a poor grad. student money (as far as I know, dead people dont give out loans... if they do then go ahead and send plague if you would like to have some fun)

Blog Jesus answers:

The locusts will only distract them from getting you paid. How about I just met their feet to the floor until they give you all the riches you rightfully deserve.

BMK asks:

Should I drive home to Cleveland this weekend or wait and see if you smite the loan people in my previous question?

Blog Jesus answers:

I wouldn't drive to Cleveland due to the simple fact that Cleveland sucks.

Danikabur asks:

Uhh BJ could you help me out with some plane fare.. so I can stalk you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not only will I pay your fare, but I will put you up in my digs just to make the stalking easier.

Carol asks:

Dear blog Jesus:

What must I do be on the waitjng list for the last supper?

And also, where can I purchase tickets for the mud-wrestling event happening on friday?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you start asking questions regularly I may get around to putting you on the list. To make it into the last supper you need to ask a question and link this blog . . . and give me everything you hold dear on this earth.

The event is free. It's wrong to profit off of dirty women groping one another in my opinion.

_____________________________________________________

If the women were clean, then it would cost a buck.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 112

2005-08-16T17:48:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Peter Collada asks:

If I am a born again virgin out of circumstance, not choice, do i still get to go to heaven?

Blog Jesus answers:

According to the bylaws, if you have gone without nookie (heaven's word - not mine) for six months you go straight to hell. This is why you see a ton of old farts slaving away in the panda pits at Satan's Gulch.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

i've got the butter and the flashlight, but i'm having problems with nighties. should i go out and purchase something new, or would one of my past frederick's purchases suffice?

also, what's your favorite color, so i can narrow down the frederick's offerings to one or two items.

oh- and can we negotiate a little as to my exact position? perhaps i could persuade you to let me occupy a...er...superior position twice weekly?

just checking. i mean, whatever you decide will be fine, as long as digi's still in my benefits package.

Blog Jesus answers:

I like my nighties to be a little bit worn in so go ahead and wear an old woman.

Go with the black one or that other black one.

Okay, you can be superior for one day and parallell for another.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I am going back to school in two weeks. But I need to take a couple of electives. Any suggestions?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Advanced Horiculture and Sodomy in Ancient Austrailia and Why Midgets Deserve Legs

Pops asks:

Beej,

What's with these chicks and their multi-part questions? Why does everything have to be so complicated with them? Can't they say what they want to say in less than 1,000 words? Why can't they... uh... I'll stop there.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's all about attention. If you haven't noticed all the chicks around her dig me. Therefore they bust out more wordage in order to be "seen" a little longer by me.

It would appear you got the same bug. I suggest getting that cleared up pronto.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are you like Hammer, and are you too legit to quit? B/c I think you are, you sexy thing, you....

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually, I am not like Hammer. I have money and I have my self respect. I am also 2 Legit 2 Quit, not too legit too quit.

Danikabur asks:

I've decided that since I'm in love with you I must now find you and stalk you. Do you think you can help me with that?

Blog Jesus answers:

Come to Indianapolis, Indiana and find the tall guy cussing out a homeless person.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J,

What the hell is "Sexual Healing", and what does it cure?

Blog Jesus answers:

"Sexual Healing" was a cocaine addled Marvin Gaye's last hit before he was offed by his father. I can tell you it certainly does not cure gunshot wounds.

James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Did you know you could buy live exotic animals on the internet? How much do you think we could sell Brent for?

Blog Jesus answers:

Did I know? Who do you think started the practice.

Brent would go for maybe $3.50. That "V" really hurts his stock.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who is the best Canadian ever?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dave Foley, pre-"Celebrity Poker Showdown."

__________________________________________________

Speaking of poker, there's a game I gotta go bust up.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 111

2005-08-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Big Booyah! asks:

Big J,

Glad to hear you get a cut out of the local church collection plate. You're the Big J -- you took a cross for the team -- you should earn royalties.

Ever thought of developing a new channel then?

How about charging your people, err sorry, your fine, fine people a small stipend to pose their self-serving questions, and impinge on your infinite wisdom for a heightened thought or response?

The Big Booyah!

Blog Jesus answers:

I cannot and will not charge people for my wisdom. Most the advice I give is bad anyway and can only lead to pain and suffering - that is payment enough for me.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

so, about this secretary position- what should i submit with my resume?

also, pantless is no problem- does that put me ahead of most of the other candidates?

would it be possible to work digi into my benefits package? if not, when's the mudwrestling? i need to start training.....

Blog Jesus answers:

Along with the resume I need two sticks of butter, a flashlight and nightie. I'll explain what they are for during the interview process.

If you're willing to go topless as well then there is no other candidates.

I was going to put Mr. Cat in the package then you went and mentioned mud wrestling. Start training - the match is on Friday.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Girls are so pretty. How come girls are so pretty?

Blog Jesus answers:

My hard on got tired of ugly chicks.

Danikabur asks:

Dear Blog J

Why does putting myself in your shrine sound more tempting than the firemen? Is it because I am a glutton for punishment? Or am I *gasp* in love with you?

Oh boy... I've always loved the ones that could make me laugh... I think I must hide for a while from your sick lovely humor.

(While hiding though I will pimp your blog as my penance... only if you pimp mine (three times) though :P)

Blog Jesus answers:

It's love. All the ladies want the Big J.

All the ladies end up hiding from it at some point too.

Duff asks again:

dear blog jesus~

can i stake a claim to you before dani adds you to her harem?

or is that automatically assumed once i take a position underneath you?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's automatically assumed though you won't always be underneath. On the third Wednesday of each month I let my secretary be the Dom.

The RPC asks:

Dear Baby Jesus,

What the hell is frankincense and myrrh? Did Mary put that in a trust fund for you, or did that money just go up her nose?

There's only two things guarenteed in life, and if you didn't pay taxes on those funds, the feds will make that cross look real comfortable.

Sam

Blog Jesus answers:

It's old, having one piece of it makes you fucking real rich hard cash. Mary was into smack, which explains why she rode a donkey while Joseph walked (he was a pill popper). Not to worry that other Mary had the kind of ass that spit gold so I made it all back.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Was it wrong of me to "tap it" with my ex the other night? It seems like the only time I see her is to do so... I mean, her. I feel dirty.

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

What is wrong is that you did not tap it again this morning, have her cook you breakfast, and then after you eat the delicious meal tell her "you know this didn't mean anything right."

Satan asks:

What do suggest for bruising?

Blog Jesus answers:

Turtle shells tied to your fists.

Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've been reading too many blogs. Keeping up with everyone seems to be taking more and more of my time. How do I decide which blogs to stop reading?

Blog Jesus answers:

Check and see if they answer questions or recently week from daily to every other day and if not - dump them. Oh and keep the chicks.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What is up with all the blog spam I have been getting??? Can yo u make it go away or smite the people doing it? Thank you!!!

Blog Jesus answers:

I would, but you see Pops is responsible for it and given that he was my first reader I am retardedly loyal to him. Though so long as you save his eyes so he can read my genius feel free to find him and beat the snot out of him.

______________________________________________________

Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 110

2005-08-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

If you hire Duff as your secretary, will she be required to wear provocative, yet professional, outfits? And can I come over for meetings, if only to check out them legs?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, she will be required to wear provacative, yet professional outfits - except on Fridays, we go pantless in the Blog Jesus offices on Fridays.

I really don't want to see you so I am sure that we can get some pictures of "them legs" to tide you over.

Big Booyah! asks:

Big J,

At Church, they hand around a collection plate... to support the ministry... any thoughts of asking to be paid for this spiritual experience?

The Big Booyah!

Blog Jesus answers:

Oh, I already get 85% percent of that cash. Ten percent then goes to the church and then 5% percent goes to the owners of the Vietnamese children that make the collection plates for slave wages.

The Snakehead asks:

Bloggesus,

I have a final today and I overslept so I forgot to wake up to study. Send some luck my way if you got any to spare, will ya?

Blog Jesus answers:

I looked around and I am fresh out of luck. I should have a new shipment in by Tuesday - until then you be fucked.

HFB asks:

Will the Last Supper House Band be touring soon? I need to know, since I am sure to be asked to be the tambourine player, and I'd like to plan my weekends.

Blog Jesus answers:

The Righteous Camel Toe will be playing select dates in Crawford, Texas over the course of September. Unfortunately they do not need a tambourine player . . . they think tambourine players suck. They have told me they are in the market for a fluffer though.

HFB aks again:

Also, will the dominatrix outfit be supplied, or do I have to bring my own? I don't think Amy Tan had to buy hers, and you don't want to be outdone by Dave Barry.

Blog Jesus answers again:

If you agree to the fluffer position then you can have all the leather those guys can afford.

Danikabur asks:

Did I get the wrong Best Buy?? I just couldn't freakin find her! Is there someone easier to get that would satisfy you? Thats the last part of the shrine I need.. I would really like to finish and get on with... the firemen

Blog Jesus answers:

You must have just missed her. She's still rather spry despite being knocked up. I tell you what if you can get Alex (look at the first blog invited to the last supper) back into the fold then that will be satisfactory. Otherwise you'll have to place yourself on the shrine and give up the firemen.

Danikabur states:

Also Digi is MINE. I will not give him up (despite being extremely freakin busy) without a fight.

Sorry Duff.

Blog Jesus answers:

When did this become the Danikabur Talks about Digitalicat blog? As penance for being off task you owe need to pimp this blog three times on your blog next week.

BMK asks:

If I jab a screwdriver through my face, can I get loads of money from the screwdriver manufacturer or am I destined to be a walking halloween costume?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're not going to get jack shit from the manufacturer for intentionally fucking yourself self up and you'll probably have to settle for being a vegetable rather than a walking Halloween costume.

_____________________________________________________

Trevin Skeens back in da house!

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 109

2005-08-11T21:12:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions... Should I stop being the hero and start playing the villain? Also, you didn't piss me off about the "tomators", I know the "e" is close to the "r" and someone as important and busy as you has no time for proofreading. Have you considered hiring a secretary (with long legs)?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am ashamed by the fact that you are still playing the hero and haven't started playing the villan. Go do some evil shit pronto.

I just had to dip my last secretary's fingers in acid for that little tomato mistake so I am in the market for a new one. A leggy one would be nice - maybe one with a preference for the camel toe.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Me 'n Radar were gonna meet Hawkeye and Colonel Potter over at the Swamp for some homemade hooch and a long night of five-card draw. Then maybe later we were thinking about looking at some nudist magazines and then maybe fucking some nurses. Wanna come?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would love to, but I got this whole filming of the annual Hot Lips gang bang going on tonight. Rain check?

Danikabur asks:

I can tell Jennifer Garner that I'd never cut the seed of Affleck out since I really enjoy that she is having a child and J-ho isn't. Its like a slap in J-ho's face.

Now can you tell me where to find her. Since she is in hiding I can't find her to tell her that I just want to use the knife to get her in my wagon.

Blog Jesus answers:

She is currently at the Krispy Kreme in Santa Monica. After that she is going to Best Buy to purchase a few dozen copies of "Surviving Christmas" so the Affleck can get erect tonight.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think that J-Lo and Marc Anthony's marriage is going to last? Do you think it's because she's so obviously better looking then him?

Blog Jesus answers:

The marriage is already over. They announced it in Spanish so that will explain why most white blooded Americans have no knowledge of it.

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do Politicians have a special place in hell? If so, what's it like?

signed,

B

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes they do have a special place in hell. It is actually quite posh. Satan is a big campaign booster and many of the politicians do his bidding well so they get hooked up out the ass.

Brent asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Where are these cool hiphop ringtones and how do I get one?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Couldn't tell you. Once I got my Procol Harum "Whiter Shade of Pale" ringtone back in the day I have been quite satisfied and I have had no desire to look into it further.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

the black and red thing you referred to arrived in the mail today. i've got the car battery hooked up, but still can't seem to get it to work. any pointers?

also, i'm not sure i want to mud wrestle danikabur for control of digi. could you just convince her to hand him over?

Blog Jesus answers:

I forgot to tell you that it only functions when you speak to it all slutty like.

I will see what I can do - she's quite tied up with the constant fireman banging on top of her search for Jennifer Garner.

R.U. Serious asks:

Dear Blog to the J,

Red or green?

Blog Jesus answers:

Green by a mile. It's not easy being green and I like people to suffer.

Duff asks again:

dear blog jesus~

i hear you're looking for a secretary. i can spell "tomato" and my legs are long....enough.

Blog Jesus answers again:

So long as you can sport a righteous camel toe - you're in.

_______________________________________________________

Righteous camel toe. That's what I am going to name the Last Supper House Band.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 108

2005-08-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

This Gatorade tastes like hell. Is it because it's bad or is this actually what Hell tastes like? If it is, I'd be surprised, because I always thought "Riptide Rush" was less "Hell" than "sorta grape".

Blog Jesus answers:

No. You just got some bad Gatorade. Hell actually tastes like Dr. Pepper.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Why did Al Pacino play the main character, a Puerto Rican, in "Carlito's Way"? Was there no Hispanic actor capable of such a role? What is it with Hollywood, anyway?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

The only hispanic actor capable of handling that role was Freddie Prinze and he was sort of very dead. All the other hispanic actors had too many scars on their arms from picking tomators during their "formative" years.

This of course means that Hollywood doesn't dig actors with tomato induced scars.

Sandi asks:

Will I make any money selling my pictures, or am I just pissing in the wind?

Blog Jesus answers:

The only way you will see a dime is if you sell pictures of you pissing in the wind.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Can you improve my orgasms?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have a series of exercises that can improve your orgasms in several easy steps. I will need to see multiple examples of your orgasms in order to determine which exercises will work for best for you. If you want a quick response just post them on the internet, otherwise just send me the tapes.

Danikabur asks:

Shit no way! If I'd known it was that easy to get a midget guide I totally would have gotten one a long time ago!!

I am having a bit of trouble finding Jennifer Garner.. do you think she is hiding from me?

Also I'd like to second Da Buttahs question: 'can you improve my orgasms?' Not that the firemen aren't getting it done.. I was just thinking that I could devote more time to finding Jennifer Garner if they were even better.. maybe I wouldn't need it as often. Or it could backfire and I'd want it more.... hmmm

Blog Jesus answers:

I know that she is hiding from you. She's afraid that you're going to try and cut the Affleck seed from her womb with a knife. You need to tell her that the knife is not for that purpose, but just to convince her to move her ass over to the shrine you've built for me.

You get no improvement until my shrine is properly Garnered.

Lulu asks:

BJ,

why do they make sparkling water? Is it to remind people that water is not nearly as fun as Sprite or champagne?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually they just know that people go retarded over shitty things that sparkle - hence the popularity of Sprite.

Brent asks:

Beejus,

In the chance that I kill my sister's ex-bf by way of a bumper mouthwash, can you be my character witness? I think that might help my chances of bargaining down to inattentive driving.

Blog Jesus answers:

It all depends on what character you want me to be. I will not act like anyone from the cartoon "Jem," but I am all over invoking any character from "The Gummi Bears."

Ducati Mike asks:

Howdy Jeez,

What's up with these a-holes who do the identity theft...I have one in New York that has tried TWICE now to swindle me...can you like strike all of them down for me? I figured you are all knowing so I don't have to go into specifics on who and where...thanks.

As to the doubting thomas talking about loosing disciples...are you going to smite him for blasphemy or something cool like that?

Blog Jesus answers:

Consider them all victims of the next terrorist attack on New York.

As for the doubting Thomas, she's actually a doubting Thomasita and it's already handled. I have the deed to her home and all her family pictures which I am in the process of buring.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

Do you think everyone else posted questions just because they felt bad about yesterday's dearth of questions, like I do?

Blog Jesus answers:

No - you're all heartless motherfuckers. However you are heartless motherfuckers that realize the only way you'll get your future meal ticket aka your children back is to keep asking away.

___________________________________________

Lets see I probably pissed off Dr. Pepper drinkers, Hispanics, Sprite drinkers, and New Yorkers with this one - good day.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 107

2005-08-09T20:33:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur asks:

Shit.. now I have to find a Midget guide? Can you point me in the direction I can find one?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just go to the Home Depot and ask for Wallace. When you find him say "I want a very tiny cock" then go back to your car. By the time you get there a midget guide will be in your trunk.

Remy asks:

Intelligent design?? How does he come up with phrases like that???

Blog Jesus answers:

A lot of rum and some alphabet soup.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Will I be America's next American Idol? Or should I just say fuck it, and try to be America's Next Top Model?

Blog Jesus answers:

Skip both and try out for the next American sensation - guess how much fireman dick Danikabur will get now that she has a midget guide.

R.U. Serious asks:

BJ

Jessica Simpson...is her stupidity an act?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but she doesn't know it. Being southern and having a smoking bod, she was taught to be a ditz and never allowed to show off her smarts. The only way those smarts can be reached is through hypnosis. However, all the hypnosis may do is improve her orgasms. Either way I am paying to watch it.

Nain asks:

Dear blog jesus,why aren't there many comments today? have your followers left you or have they just become lazy?

Blog Jesus answers:

I got bored and kidnapped a lot of disciples kids. I think they may be out screaming into storm drains trying to find them. If they had just thought, why don't we ask Blog Jesus where the damn kids are, then they wouldn't be waist deep in sewer shit right now.

_____________________________________________________

If you're not going to show, you don't get a comment.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 106

2005-08-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur asks:

Should I focus all of my energy on getting her? Or should I continue with the firemen in between getting her?

Blog Jesus answers:

You'll need a two seat wheelchair with rear access and a midget guide to make it work, but you can do both.

The Snakehead asks:

People don't believe I'm gay. Why?

Blog Jesus answers:

When you're just a snakehead no one can fucking tell if you're male or female. Get on about grow the rest of your body out to end the speculation.

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

you didn't, by any chance, sign me up for a free baby blue thing, did you?

~duff

Blog Jesus answers:

No. I signed you up for the red and black thing that requires a car battery to run properly.

Duff asks again:

dear blog jesus~

in the event you did, should i take it as a suggestion/request?

~duff

Blog Jesus answers:

I would just "take" it and enjoy it. I am sure to hear about it later.

Sandi asks:

So now that your alter ego is scaling back his ridiculously long blog, does that mean that we will get longer thought out answers to our burning questions?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope.

Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Duff and Danikabur are going to mud wrestle for ownership of me. How's this all going to end?

Also, I changed my URL. Be a pal and update your link? http://tossedmysalad.blogspot.com

Blog Jesus answers:

It will end in tears for you. Through deals already made so that they could have prime seats at the last supper they have decided to hand over all earthly possession to me. So regardless it ends with me owning your ass.

Btw, I was a pal and changed my link.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I see that I am now invited to the last supper. Should I bring some salsa and chips? Also, was Digitalicat sued by Ann Coulter or threathened in some way to remove her name from the hyperlink?

In Him, as per usual,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually I need you to bring a steel cage so that I can enclose my Mexican help during the last supper so that they don't eat all the chips and salsa.

No. Ironically, Al Franken sued him because he had already had a liberal cook book written with that title.

James asks:

Dear Blog Hey Zeus,

Would it be inappropriate of me to promote my new music project LEND in your blog comments? Also, I challenge you to a friendly game of racquetball.. you in?

Blog Jesus answers:

Jimmy Mod back in the house. Because you're making a long awaited re-appearance I am going to allow you to pimp on my corner just this once. I will curb your ass if I see you doing it tomorrow.

Sure, only if we are playing for something owned by Peter Jennings. His shit is selling like hotcakes on EBAY.

R.U. Serious asks:

Bloggy J

Why does Snakehead think he's gay when he clearly isn't?

Blog Jesus answers:

I need something to fill the void left by the departure of "Queer as Folk."

Serra asks:

http://haloscan.com/tb/serrathescented/112347181017410713

Why on earth do you let things like this breed? And talk?

Blog Jesus answers:

They are like cigarettes in a way. It generates more questions from my loyal disciples and makes me look popular and cool.

BMK asks:

BJ,

What about this evolution thing... I mean yes, Patrick Ewing does look like the missing link, but did I really used to throw my own fecees around with the best of the apes?

and thanks for pointing out my obvious cock power over the ex... I hadn't thought of it that way but you are correct...your wisdom astounds me...

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes you did. Also, throwing shit around is not some primative thing. If you're using the right lighting and the proper grade of film you got yourself some art.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is The Snakehead really gay? Really?

Blog Jesus answers:

I will have to ask after he finishes off sucking off that street hustler.

_______________________________________________

It's time for the Muppet Show tomorrow. Bring your best.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day 105

2005-08-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

A friend of mine has lost all hope in Christianity and wants to turn Wiccan... Will I reap any "perks" from her newfound faith (or lack thereof)? And does it offend you that she said, "Jesus wasn't all that great"? Finally, what did she mean by that?

As Always, in Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Since all Wiccans are lesbians, the only perk you get is possibly getting to what her do another chick as part of some ritual.

It doesn't offend me. To be truthful, I bummed $10.00 from her awhile back and promised to pay her back. Well, I never got around to it and now she wants to wear all black and fly around a broom. I will probably give her the money back now because she might turn me into a real pig.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Who am I going to marry?!

Shabbat Shalom!

Blog Jesus answers:

You got some Alan Thicke love coming your way soon.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus, c

Can you please make the redneck racing fans leave Indy? and take their nasty ass lite beer with them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Can't do it. This is the only time of the year that you can get this strong of a whiff of inbreeding. It's wonderfully intoxicating if you let it be.

BMK asks:

Seriously, why does the ex-gal friend lead me on even after 2 yrs of being broke up... tired of her woman tricks and shit...

Maybe Buttah can answer that since she's a chick and all...

Butterfly shrip confuse me... why are they tricky little bastards afterall?

Blog Jesus answers:

You shouldn't be tired of it. You should be proud of the obvious cock power you have over her.

Mainly because I like for people to really think about things when they are eating shrimp.

Lulu asks:

Infinite Warrior,

HOw do you know about my non-panty wearing?

Was that you standing under my window?

Or is it because you are "everywhere"?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have been standing outside your window, but that was after I knew about your non-panty wearing because I am "everywhere."

Danikabur asks:

My dear darling Blog Jesus:

I was absent in the questioning yesturday due to trying to get Jennifer Garner for your shrine. I did not manage it. (Possibly because I was too drunk and then too busy getting it on with the firemen) I did however manage to get Scott Baio.

Should I keep trying?

Again I ask what do I do if I get caught kidnapping her? Do I confess that Jesus made me do it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Never stop trying. I really need those pay per view rights.

Don't say I told you do to it. Blame the Black Panther party.

___________________________________________________________

Everyone go to sleep now, it's Friday night.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus